Need some opinions

[shelle]

I am 32, have been married for 10 years. My husband and I have 2 children. Happy. There is something that is bugging me, he says I am overreacting........I say, if it bugs me then it should stop.

He deals with a lot of clients on a daily basis. Some quite wealthy. I go into his office one day and among the pictures of me and my children there are three pictures of some woman. One of her and some man where she is wearing a revealing dress. Another of herself alone. Then a large headshot of herself and another woman. I was flabbergasted. I asked why he had them up? He said she was a very good client and has brought him a ton of business. Then he says........she also gave me this. It was a bottle of cologne. The shape of the bottle is that of a muscular male torso.
I said that just seems too intimate and not a proper gift for a woman to give someone's husband. He disagrees about all of it. Says she doesn't look at him that way and thinks I am overreacting. I told him he needed to learn about how women really work and she has other motives.
Why does this bother me so much.......it is on my mind all the time. Am I overreacting?

shelle

[amanda1]

Are you the type of person who gets jealous over little things? If so, I can see why he would think you're overreacting.
However, if you are usually ok with most things, I think you're completely justified! I'd get bothered by that too...
I don't know how to tell you to deal with it- maybe just talk to him, but it seems like you have already and he doesn't listen. Maybe you could let him know that his dealing with other women doesn't usually bother you because you know he has to with business, but that you think it's very unappropriate for him to be acting this way and not respecting how you feel. Hopefully he'll realize that he's being insensitive to you and he'll remove the pictures and such...
Good luck!

[shelle]

That's just it...........I never get jealous over anything. This is the first time and it's not really jealousy, but more not understanding the situation. I find inappropriate for a single woman to be sending a married man pictures of herself, framed and giving him cologne. I find it bizarre that he displayed the pictures without thinking it wasn't right.
Because it seems so simple to me, I thought maybe I was missing something. Or maybe I was overreacting. Is that an appropriate gift or a little too intimate?

[marieva]

I don't buy it. Men are sometimes ignorant to a plotting woman, but three pictures? and cologne? Something's fishy here.

I think you should pursue this situation delicately and firmly with your husband. Is he willing to let you drop by the next time she has a scheduled meeting with him? You're sure to feel something in the air while you drop in for a moment during their meeting. You can tell by body language. Or maybe invite her and her significant other to your home for dinner sometime. See how your husband reacts to that. If she's such a great client, then that should be welcomed by him.

I would definitely pursue this further. However, very gently.

- Marieva (-;

[Kaisharga]

I, personally, think it would be inappropriate to try and force him to change the way his office looks. After all, it's his space, and he should do with it whatever he wants. That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't be worried and/or concerned.

I agree that you should pursue this further, and see what you can see. Tell him that you're worried about the relationship, and that this other woman might somehow adversely affect things between you two. It's one thing for a client to give a person a photo, but three? Framed? In nonstandard garb? And cologne isn't that big a deal, but with that kind of sex-message-sending bottle? Uh-uh. I don't believe that there's any innocence at all to that. Your husband may be totally naive to the BLARINGLY HUGE signs, but that woman is almost certainly trying to pull a move.

--Kaisharga

[Pandora1980]

Hmmm... Definately sounds like a bad situation. You are, by no means, overreacting.
I understand how you're confused- the only possible reason I can think of for having a picture of a client on your desk is if this person is famous- you know conversation starter- blah, blah, blah... Other than that the only pictures I would think belong on a desk would be pictures of people that you have some type of affection for.
I think it's a good idea to have him ask her over for dinner- and do the best you can to portray an extremely happy marriage and show her that you're the best thing to ever happen to him.
If she's just going after him- hopefully she'll back off. Dropping by work when he has a meeting with her is a bad idea- it's very unprofessional for him and it just makes you look paranoid.

When I read your post- it sounds to me like the type of situation people hire a private investigator for to see if it's not just her making advances, but to see if he's accepting.

There was definately too much there to just ignore it- you're not wrong for talking to him about it, you'd be wrong for ignoring it.

[shelle]

Here is what has happened since my original post.
He did remove her pictures. I just told him.........it was bizarre, for a single woman to be sending pictures of herself and pictures of herself and her girlfriend to a married man for him to display on his desk.
Then I said......what left field are you in to do it without thinking your wife would be pissed?
Get this...he says, well she has told me she is bisexual and the girl in the picture is her "girlfriend". Whoa, you talk that way with a client to know her sexual preference?
We are such a normal looking family. I used to model. We have two great kids and it all seems so bizarre.
I finally dropped it all after he removed them from his office.
I think to make up for it all, he bought me a new Mercedes. He took it one day to have it serviced and detailed. The next day...this happened this week.....I have my car back. Get ready to go to the store. I open the trunk to get his golf clubs out. There were a couple boxes with different papers and folders in it. Peeked in one box and there are the pictures. Not just that, but more than what I saw before. Now I was looking at six pictures. So now, I don't know what to do or what to say or should I say anything. I have to or it will drive me nuts.
He is going out of town next week. I am very tempted to put a card in it his suitcase with something written in it about all of this. Six pictures?!

[Kaisharga]

There are only two feasible ways I see of this being harmless.
A) The pictures are of a rather sexual nature, and he is using them as any other man would use a porno rag. Still, if she is still a client of his, it could well fall out of the 'harmless' category.

B) This 'client' is threatening him with physical harm. Then I could see him keeping the pictures around to stay safe. But this isn't likely at all.

No good news for you here, I'm sad to say. You need to have a real sit-down, long, heart-to-heart with the man about this. Maybe in marriage counselling. This is a problem that cannot and should not be ignored, and could end up rending your marriage asunder if you do not take action. If you have trouble with getting aggressive when you two have discussions/chats/arguments (various people have different names for this), then seek professional marriage counselling. It's sad to say, but I'm not sure that your marriage will come out of this intact. Cross your fingers and hope this hasn't gone too far already, and act immediately, and you may yet save the relationship.

--Kaisharga