I'm in LOVE! PLZ HELP!!!

[chilli]

Hello everyone...I'm Chilli and I'm new to these forums. I desperately need some advice. But before everybody gets confused, let me tell you that I am a GUY.

Let me get straight to the point. I have got a huge crush on this GUY who works with me and I think I'm falling in LOVE with him too. OK, I know most of you lot might be thinking WHAT THE HELL? and that I'm SICK and would probably disagree with my feelings becoz I'm a GUY too. But just becoz I'm a guy, it doesn't mean that I have to feel like every other guy out there does. Besides, I cant change the way I am feeling about this guy now, becoz I like him a lot. I never thought myself that I would ever feel like this for a guy. But it's just happened 4 weeks ago and everytime I see this guy, I just can't get enough of him, his eyes and his beautiful cute adorbale smile.

I don't know anything about this guy apart from his name and that he works at the same place as I do in a different department. I only see him during lunch breaks and sometimes when I have time I go to his department just to see him by walking past him..lol. I know this all may sound a bit weird and GAY coming out from a guy, but you have got to try and understand that I am a human too!!!

I've not even had a decent conversation with him yet but everytime I see him I start to melt like the wax of a candle being melted by the burning flame. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about him. I've lost my appetite in food and everything. If this ain't LOVE then I don't know what it is???

I'm not bothered what others have to say about the way I feel for this guy. My real problem is how do I tell him??? I don't even know how he feels or if he is already in a relationship?? He's a WHITE guy and I'm a HINDU, but I don't give a damn about what RACE & RELIGION we are, all I know is that I love him a lot and I care about him.

I couldn't wait until Valentines Day to tell him the way I feel becoz it's driving me crazy everyday when I see him at work. Therefore, as it's Christmas, I have got a card for him along with a letter, which I have wrote to him in order to express my feelings to him. But I'm all confused of whether to give him the letter and to let him know about how I feel. I have signed both the letter and card as "Love From Your Secret Admirer" becoz I don't want to freak him out as I dont know anything about his side of the story. I also don't want none of my work colleagues to find out becoz it would just cause GOSSIP & rumours. I prefer to keep my personal & professional life totally separate!!!!

Should I give the letter to him or not? Please help me...!!! You don't know the pain I am going through......feel free to ask any questions if you are unsure of anything but please just help me out here!!!!

My love is true but I'm counting on you lot to bring my love to reality!

[AresFury06]

Do you know if he's gay too? If not, then find out before you give him the letter. If he's straight then the letter would probably freak him out. Also what you're feeling is lust not love. Don't get the two confused. I mean, you don't even know the guy.

[chilli]

No I don't know if he is GAY or not but I do know for sure that what I'm feeling for him is LOVE and not LUST, even though I don't know him. I know this is very rare but only I know the feeling when I see him. I've noticed he stares at me sumtimes but I wudn't say that this is a hint from him. Just the casual glance, with a mysterious look and smile.

All I want is to just let him know how I feel without letting him find out who I really am, as he would freak out! For me its enough that he knows that he has a SECRET ADMIRER that exists!

I am mostly attracted to his adorbale smile. I'd be happy even if I cud just cuddle him. But my love for this guy is no where near the word LUST or doing anything freaky at this stage!

I just admire him alot, which is why I haven't given my name in the letter that I have wrote to him. I've just wrote at the end "Love From Your SECRET ADMIRER!

Wouldn't this be the ideal way to tell him just how I feel without him finding out who I am?

[zara]

Well Chili it may not be lust but it sounds a hell like crazy infatuation to me!

I don't say this to demean how you feel. We all go through that. And infatuation can develop into love if it's not allowed to control you. I'm afraid that'll happen to you if you go and give this guy a letter confessing your feeling without having had prior contacts and conversations with him.
I suggest you take the time to get to know this guy first: introduce yourself or something. Invent a scenario that opens up a door. And who knows later (and I don't mean by christmas) if you still feel the same, then you may 'approach' him, not by making a declaration still. By then hopefully you'll figure where he stands sexually (gay or not) but also if he's interested in you!

Trying to help. Good luck.

[chilli]

thanx for replying zara. I totally understand what you mean. But to be honest with you the thought of him and me being together seems more impossible from possible which is why I am mostly afraid that he will not accept me or my love becoz I'm a guy. And I can't blame him for that becoz at the end of the day its his life and I respect that becoz I know that a relationship needs to have a 2 way LOVE between 2 people and my love is only 1 sided for him.

I never get the chance to make any conversations with him becoz he works in a different department and I only see him during the occasional days when we have lunch breaks at the same time. Even then, I can't talk to him becoz he is always with the colleagues from his department.

So as you can see the only ideal way for me to tell him how I feel is in the form a secret admirer identity, through a love letter. As long as he knows how his secret admirer feels for him, that is enough for me until I find a way of realizing and confronting him face-to-face that he is the 1 for me.

Hope everyone understands what I mean by all this. But whatever I decide I will keep everyone updated on this forum becoz at the moment I am counting on everyones advice to make the safe decisions of reaching the LOVE of my life!

[chilli]

by the way just in general I was wandering what people's views are on being GAY/LESBIAN? Is it sumthing to feel ashamed of or sumthing to hate about them?

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it and I'm not being biased. I think it's just a different form of love and emotions between 2 people of the same sex.

However, I like both men and women for different reasons but I do feel that people make a big issue out of being GAY, more than anything else.

I can't change the way people think about this issue but I would like to just say that every relationship has a mutual bonding and we should give an equal value of respect for all the relationships that GOD has created in the form of humans!!!!

[l4linda]

In my opinion there's nothing wrong with being gay. I have several gay and lesbian friends, although I am strictly hetero. I have one lesbian friend who is in a long-term committed relationship, and they have the same kinds of joys and conflicts as any other couple I know. The biggest problem I see among my 'alternative' friends is society's judgement and prejudice towards them, which adds some stresses to their relationships that are beyond what most conventional straight couples go through. It's actually kind of similar to some of the challenges bi-racial/multiculticultural couples go through. The thing is though, if the love between them is real, they have been able to stick together in spite of the challenges.

As far as the secret admirer letter goes, nix that! Especially in the work environment, you could be opening yourself up to problems you may not have considered because your feelings are so strong. I'm an HR manager, and have had to conduct sexual harassment investigations many times. The great majority have been hetero, but a straight person can be really freaked out to learn of a same-sex person being so 'interested' in them. This is a situation that sends people (generally much more quickly,) to the HR office to file a sexual harassment complaint. This is a pickle I don't think you would want to find yourself in.

Also, dating co-workers is fine when the relationship works out, but can cause lots of problems and discomfort for both if it doesn't. That's something I know a bit about, having dated someone from work for a couple of years and then breaking up. It's very difficult to go to work, see the person every day, and maintain a professional relationship with someone you've had a romantic relationship with. Following that breakup I vowed to NEVER date a co-worker again, and I never did.

Please consider a different approach. Ares Fury is right on the money. You need to determine first whether the object of your affection is gay or not. If he's not, let this go and take it as a wake up call to explore your own sexuality in greater depth and determine whether this is just a situational thing with this one particular guy or whether you really are meant to be with a man. If he's not gay or bi, you could be playing with fire by pursuing this, and could cause problems for yourself at work that you may not have considered.

While still not an everyday thing, it's more common than you may realize for a hetero person to have an unexplained wild attraction to a same-sex person even though their basic makeup is hetero.

If he is gay or bi, then I would still recommend proceeding with caution. Secret admirer letters can really freak some people out, while others might get a real thrill out of them. There are lots of folks who are really put off by something like that, and if there's any chance of a relationship with this guy, you probably don't want to shoot yourself in the foot by freaking him out or making him feel uncomfortable, looking at everyone wondering who may have sent it, and possibly sabotaging a potential relationship before it even begins.

I feel it's always best to be honest and straightforward with everyone, and that goes double for someone you would like to become romantically involved with. That doesn't mean you have to tell them everything, obviously discretion is born from wisdom and experience. Since these feelings are new to you, take some time to get comfortable with how you are feeling and figure out whether this is situational or whether you really are gay or maybe bi-sexual. Slow down, calm down, and explore your feelings in more depth. Figure out whether this guy is gay or not, and if not, deal with your feelings and do your best to get over him, because if he isn't you could be creating all kinds of problems for yourself that you haven't even considered, especially because this guy is a co-worker. Best wishes!

[NHO3]

Wow thats a really good response linda. I think linda makes a lot of good points. My mom is a lesbian and I am straight. I know a lot of gay people and I dont think there is anything wrong with being that way. If men make you happy and you know that then thats awesome.

As for the secret admirer thing please if you take any of our advice please forget about that idea. I don't believe in having or persuing romantic relations with coworkers either. If you find out he is gay and want to persue him you may consider getting a job somewhere else. It sounds like this is your first gay expereince?? You may want to talk to some other gay people before acting on these feelings. Espeacially if you have never had a gay relationship before. I don't want to scare you but I know of a guy that wrote a letter like that and when the other guy found out who wrote it he beat the **** out of the gay guy. Some people have some serious issues with that sort of thing. So listen to l4linda and you'll be ok hehe

[chilli]

After reading every ones advice regarding my problem, I can honestly say ‘WOW!’ especially Linda’s advice which has definitely made me think twice about the secret admirer letter and having a romantic relationship with this guy at work…you’re right I don’t want my LOVE for this guy to create problems for me at work, especially since I have only been at this workplace for only 4 months now!

But the truth is my love for this guy is real and deep as far as I’m concerned and nothing or nobody can change the way I feel about him. Even if I find out that he is not gay or has a girlfriend, I will always love him throughout my life and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. If only people knew how I feel when I see him everyday at work, only I know what I’m feeling when I see him!!! After all, he’s my 1st love and because of him I have realised the true meaning of, what love is? I mean I’ve never wrote a poem for anybody in my life before and writing a poem for him has also made me realise how much I care about him and I am willing to do anything for him whether he likes me in return or not.

Also, would you still consider someone who works in a different department at the same place you work, a co-worker? Because my job at work doesn’t involve him and I only see him while he is doing his job. When I’m free I sometimes stalk him by going to his department just to see his face & adorable SMILE! In fact lately I have even been enjoying getting up early in the morning looking forward to go to work, because going to work and seeing him is the best feeling I have ever had and it’s the closest I can get to him at this stage too.

Well, after taking Linda’s advice into consideration I have decided to take things a little bit easier and slower. Instead of giving him the letter and poems that I have written for him, I am thinking of giving him a Christmas card written with simple words like ‘Dear…? Love from Your Secret Admirer’ ,along with my mobile number where he can only contact me through SMS, just so that I can get to know him better and he can txt me so I know how he reacts and feels before taking the next step. But whatever step I take I will take it with precaution, now that I know what the consequences are, thanx to Linda.

So does this sound like a safer approach than giving him a letter and telling him everything about the way I feel for him? I really want him to know something or else I won’t be able to enjoy Christmas and New Years with him not knowing anything. It would really take half of the pressure and pain off my heart and mind!

I’m still very scared and confused of what to do???

[NHO3]

My advice is to find out if he is gay or not and talk to him with one on one verbal communication. I wouldnt do the SMS thing nor would I give him a christmas card. I think the best thing to do is talk to the guy. Do you have friends that he doesnt know? Get one to come into the store and ask him for help then ask him if he's gay or something like that. If a girl asks him if he's gay he will most likely tell her yes or no and there will be no damage done.

[chilli]

I'm 95% sure that he ain't GAY but like Linda sed it is still possible for a hetro to find a person of the same sex attractive.


"While still not an everyday thing, it's more common than you may realize for a hetero person to have an unexplained wild attraction to a same-sex person even though their basic makeup is hetero."

If I had that much confidence and courage, I would have talked to him the day I fell in love with him. Everytime I see him, my heart feels weak, I lose focus and concentration on whatever I am doing and my nerves really play up, how can I possibly talk to him in this state? I can't even say hello to him, I'm really SHY and thats my biggest weakness.

Give me 1 good reason why I should not give him a Christmas card with my mobile number for him to sms me?

[chilli]

Also all the friends that I have will not be able to keep a secret and if they find out I like this guy, there will be a heavy flow of rumours and gossip in and out of work. This will just make things even worse and ruin my chances of expressing my love to this guy.

Can you imagine how he would feel hearing all the gossip around work? It will just embarass him and make him hate me!!!!!

I dont think that wud be a gud idea....thanx for the suggestion though...

[l4linda]

one good reason. . . ok, here's one . . .because it's a kinda creepy, disconcerting, even frightening thing for a lot of people to get anything from a secret admirer. A few years ago I was getting a flower on my office door every so often from a 'secret admirer.' the first time it was disconcerting, after the 3rd or 4th one it felt creepy, and after the 6th or 7th one I started to get scared. So I moved the direction of the surveilance camera in the area near my office and then watched the tape the next time he left a flower on my doorknob, and found out who it was. Then I took the evidence to my HR director and told the director I was afraid, and I filed a sexual harassment complaint. I wasn't after money and didn't want to hurt or embarass the guy. I was asked what I wanted to see happen to him, and I told the director I just wanted it to stop, didn't want to get him fired or in trouble, just wanted it to stop. If the guy had been straightforward with me and just asked me out or let me know he liked me, I wouldn't have been creeped out and wouldn't have been scared, and wouldn't have reported it. Instead I would have told him that while I thought he was a nice person, I wasn't comfortable dating someone at work. I would have thanked him for being straight with me, and I would have told him that I hoped that we could continue to maintain a professional relationship. I might have also acknowledged to him that I know it's not easy to let someone know that you like them as more than a friend or business associate, and that I appreciated him letting me know how he felt. If any of the above had happened, and he had respected my feelings, I would have done my best to help him feel at ease and comfortable with me in a professional sense, and I would have let it go instead of feeling forced into asking for help from my director to put a stop to something that was making me feel really uneasy. Obviously everyone's different, and it might be easy for someone to say, what's the big deal about a few flowers left on your door every once in a while? But folks who might think or say that wouldn't necessarily know that I had previously been stalked by a guy who skulked outside my windows at night, followed me home from work, called me at home and work without identifying himself, and told me things that made me realize how much he was stalking me and how aware he was of my movements, etc. That happened a long time ago, but it made me much more leery of unidentified people who do inappropriate things in the name of love or lust or whatever. So when the guy started leaving flowers on my office door, it was more scary for me than it might have been for someone who never had anyone stalk them before.

Since it seems you don't know this guy very well yet, you likely also don't know a lot about his past experiences, or how he might react to a secret admirer anything, especially since you're not sure of his sexual orientation. A girl might be more likely to be freaked out by something like this, but a straight guy getting a secret admirer anything, even just a card and phone number from another guy might be more likely to be pissed than scared. It doesn't sound like you would want to piss him off, and because you don't know him really well it would probably be hard to predict how he would react.

And if he's gay you could risk turning him off by not being brave enough to identify yourself, and sabotage your chances for a real relationship with him, (I'm still not recommending this with a coworker :-)

I truly don't mean to minimize your feelings at all, but I don't believe it's really possible to love someone romantically who you haven't gotten to know. It's the old "Love at First Sight" Debate, and I realize lots of people have a different viewpoint than me. At that stage I personally don't believe it's love yet. That's not to say it can't blossom into love, and it often does. That early in a relationship I think a person can be infatuated, can be attracted, and can even think they're in love, be totally convinced of it in fact, especially if this is the first time you've felt this way about someone. True love is based on many things, but knowing the person more deeply than you currently know your co-worker is essential, in my opinion.

I still say avoid any secret admirer anything. There's nothing wrong with being shy or reserved. It can hold you back though, from living the kind of life you want to have, and there are lots of skills that can be learned to help overcome paralyzing shyness.

Lots of companies have employee assistance programs, and the help they offer is confidential and almost always free. Usually there's an 800 phone number you can call, and they can hook you up with a counselor who can help you get through this and come out with a better understanding of yourself and your feelings about all this, no matter what does or doesn't happen between you and this guy. We all here can give advice and support. Still, it seems to me though that you are really struggling and stressed with all these feelings and I think having someone you can sit down and talk one on one with who can give you more insight into this situation might be very helpful to you. It might not be a bad idea to look into something like this. Check your new-hire paperwork - there might be a pamphlet or brochure in there with information on your company's EAP, if they do have one. If you don't have anything in your new-hire paperwork, ask someone in HR if they have an EAP, and if so can they give you some information. You don't have to tell them why you're asking. They don't even have to know it's for you. Most EAPs provide assistance to an employee and his/her household. If your company doesn't have an EAP, not most health insurance companies will cover counseling sessions with a therapist or social worker. There can be a lot of value in seeing this kind of professional when you're struggling with such strong, overwhelming feelings. You might be surprised by how much insight you can gain and how much better you could come to understand all these feelings you're having if you would invest some time in counseling. A counselor could also help you with strategies for dealing with your shyness too. And there's no reason to feel embarassed about asking for some help - life gets pretty complicated and overwhelming sometimes, and we can all use a helping hand when it does. Think about it. . .it might be the best thing you could do right now to sort this all out and figure out how to handle your feelings. I hope all this helps. You seem like a nice, sincere person and I wish you the best!

[chilli]

Thank you for yet another reply full of useful advice Linda. I appreciate it a lot.

About being clear-cut of confronting him and being brave about the way I feel. You see for this guy, I am willing to do anything even though I am shy. But it’s very hard to express the way you feel to the person you like face-to-face and it’s a lot easier said than done.

Even if I gave him a secret admirer Christmas card with my number, I am not exactly going to freak him out, I will eventually tell him who I am and explain to him the reason behind everything, once he has sent me a SMS. I’m sure he would understand the way I’m feeling because the majority of guys do find it hard to confess and express the way they feel to the love of their life.

Then after, if he still decides that he is not interested in me, I will respect whatever his decision is. Yes, it will take me time to get over his decision, I will probably cry for a few months and nights but my love for him will never die or fade away. As you called me a sincere person, everyone who has a doubt of my love for this guy, can take a NOTE of these words because I will keep my promise!

I don’t agree with you when you say that you can’t fall in love with somebody you don’t know very well. Love can happen anywhere, with anyone and at anytime. It’s such a strong emotion and can connect with anybody unconditionally in some cases like mines. But everyone has their opinions and views….Maybe what I’m feeling for this guy isn’t love and just an attraction that’s driving me crazy but I can’t sleep, eat, drink and I’ve lost interest in everything except for him! I have been attracted to someone before so I know the difference of these two EMOTIONS! Attraction is when you’re physically in love with a person whereas love is much deeper than that, I want to care for him, spend more time with him, hug him and be there for him through thick and thin. I just want to see him smiling all the time and make him happy…believe it or not I have not thought or dreamt about doing anything dirty or freaky with this guy at all, which means that my feelings for him are more than an attraction....!

I can also understand your point of view Linda, you’ve had your own experiences with your secret admirers sending you flowers etc etc, and I know that must have been scary for you. But usually having a secret admirer who continues to stalk you like that can have a different effect on women compared to men. I’m not being sexist or anything but it’s just that I know being a guy and having a secret admirer wouldn’t freak me out unless things got out of control where he/she continues to harass me through stalking and other imaginable things, just like yours.

I don’t see how a simple card with my number can piss him off? Maybe I’m blinded by his love but I’m definitely no psycho maniac who will do anything freaky to gain his love and companionship. I am crazy in his love but I will never do anything or stoop to such low levels, where I will lose his respect for me. I just want to know how he feels but my approach is just different….

I know I could be taking a huge risk with this guy who works at the same place as I do but doesn’t literally work with me or in my department. But I am prepared to take this small risk for his love. At the end of the day I will not lose anything worse than not telling him the way I feel at all!!! I don’t want to look back later in life and regret not telling him the way I feel! Does it really matter, how I tell him, face-to-face or through a card? I know face-to-face is a much better approach but then again a card and a few words can express a million feelings to someone, from what you can tell someone face-to-face in a conversation.

Also, the other day when I went to work, I was working and he kept coming in and out of the department I work in, and walking continuously where I was!! I know there are no restrictions of where and who to walk nearby. But I felt as if he was trying to get my attention because the way he looked at me and then turned his face away when I noticed him, made me a bit curious.

At that point I didn’t know what to think but it felt really weird because all I kept thinking after was what could be on his mind? Could it be that he feels the same way as I do? I was just shocked by what was happening and whether I was dreaming or not…!!!!

Oh and by the way COUNSELLING is not a bad idea, but I don't think they provide that sort of help where I am working. Besides, counselling could help me more to overcome my shyness not help me with the way I am feeling about this guy....

[chilli]

I'm still so confused about this situation with this guy. When I went into work yesterday, he wasn't working and I didn't see him all day long.

I couldn't even concentrate on my work. I was looking around like a stupid fool for him whilst dealing with customers. It's like when the customers were talking to me, I was in a world of my own and I wasn't listening carefully.

I made a complete fool out of myself. But I coudln't help it, I was feeling very down becoz I didn't see him at work and seeing him makes me smile and brightens my day at work.

I still don't know why I am feeling like this for this guy? I don't even know why I care about him more than anything else these days.....

Well after serious thinking I've decided to give him the card on monday or tuesday next week, before christmas. I know I'm taking a huge risk but I feel incomplete without him and I can't stand the pain of how I'm feeling, being away from him. So it's either NOW or NEVER for me and this guy!

Please pray for me and my love and wish me all the best......thank you for everyones advice too. I'll keep you updated.

[zara]

Chilli!

I don't want to be mean but I've been following your post and the wonderful advice and call to caution that everyone has been giving you but....

It does seem that you are getting obsessive about this guy to a sickening point! I mean I'm getting scared myself (and disguted) just thinking that somebody out there may center their life around me without knowing me in any way but from simply seeing me at work...
How can you feel empty without someone when you don't know the person?

Sorry to sound mean and judgemental but even though I don't know you I guess I want the best for you and getting obsessively fixated over someone (anyone) is a recipe for disaster!!!! and you may end up behind bars for that!

Well good luck

Z

[chilli]

Well Zara

Don't worry about being judgemental or mean. I am open to everyones advice on this issue, so feel free to say what you want.

"How can you feel empty without someone when you don't know the person?" This is the same question I am asking myself time and time again and that is what is confusing me the most because I can't get my heart and mind to change the way I feel about him.

If all this is scaring you? Think about how I am feeling, I am still in shock for having such feelings for a guy....I know I don't know him but I cannot express the way I feel when I hear his voice and see him. I've tried my best to express the way I feel for him to everyone, but I don't think anybody on this forum will be able to understand this emotion, because it so deep and unusual...!!!

LOVE can be SICK & DISGUSTED because there are no rules and restrictions of how to love or feel for someone.

I didn't know that caring for someone so much can get you behind bars. You can call me obsessed, you can call me crazy, you can call my feelings whatever you want but I need to find out the way he feels so I know where I stand in this DILEMMA!

The thing is nobody knows how he will react? He could be open-minded about all this and break it down easily to me of whether he is interested or not, without having to make a BIG deal about it!

And from what I know, I don't think that he would take things into legal action against me, because we all have certain feelings that we cannot change and if humans can't understand these feelings then who will????

I could be totally wrong about this but I don't want to limit my options. If going behind bars is the result of my love, then like I said I will do anything for him even though he doesn't like me. I'm not just saying this to prove anything to anybody, I really mean it even though actions speak louder than WORDS!

Only time will tell if my love for this guy is TRUE or just an OBSESSION! It's very hard to express love in written words and if this was a one-to-one conversation I could explain it better...!!!

[l4linda]

Hey again Chilli,

It sounds like you're going ahead with your plan in spite of our advice urging you not to. I've been watching the posts, and trust us, you're not thinking clearly.

You've made it pretty clear you're going to proceed anyway in spite of the cautions, but I'm trying one more time to encourage you to not do any secret admirer anything.

You said "Love can be sick or disgusted because there are no rules or restrictions on how to feel for someone." True, no rules or restrictions on how to feel for someone, but feelings are not actions, sending secret admirer cards, letters, or whatever is an action, and there are rules for those, yeah, not only rules, but also laws. People fantasize all the time about all kinds of things - that doesn't mean it's wise to do them. Rape fantasies, threesomes, bondage, sadistic fantasies - as long as they stay in the head and aren't acted upon are harmless to others. Fantasies don't have to, and in many if not most cases, shouldn't be acted out in reality. You could very well be sabotaging any chances there might be for this relationship to move beyond a fantasy and into the realm of possiblility by creeping out the object of your affection. "Sick or disgusted actions" - think about it - are those expressions of love??? If you think so, than you don't understand what love means. Love is not sick or disgusted, and actions motivated by love are not sick or disgusted.

If you're not aware that caring so much for someone can get you behind bars, you're out of touch with reality. It's not the caring about someone, it's what you do about it that can cause you problems.

One more time, this is not the way to go about beginning a healthy relationship with anyone, gay or straight. I realize this post will probably make no difference, as you appear determined to proceed in spite of all the bells, whistles, and alarms of these posts. Still, I'm going to ask you again to reconsider your plan. The odds are against it's success, and you could be asking for more trouble than you seem willing to consider.

If your company has an employee assistance program, or your health insurance has benefits for mental health counseling, please consider getting some counseling to help you learn to deal appropriately with your feelings about this guy, because the more I've read what you have to say, the more clear it has become, that your emotions are controlling you instead of the other way around. That is never a good thing. The degree of the problem has become more clear each time you post. I know this feels like love to you, but you are moving in an unhealthy direction, and it doesn't bode well for a good outcome.

It doesn't matter gay or straight - your approach isn't healthy for you, for the object of your affection, or for the future prospects of a relationship with him EVEN IF he is gay, WHICH YOU YOURSELF HAVE SAID YOU DON'T THINK IS THE CASE. Please reconsider your approach. Please consider getting some counseling. Good luck.

[chilli]

Hi Linda, thanx for the advice and its nice to know that you care and that you're concerned of what might happen to me.

I've not written the card out for him yet because I am still very confused of how to approach him. I am still 50/50 of whether to give the card or not.

However, there is still no doubt that I love this guy alot and care for him more than anything else, but taking you're advice into consideration I don't want to ruin my chances with him by doing anything stupid.

And as you know, I don't know if he is gay or not but what are the chances that I have if I approached him by talking to him and get to know him and then tell him the way I feel about him? I know it's hard to predict but I would like some advice on this.

I am feeling very very very very confused about all this and don't know what to do. The place where I work do not provide an employee assistance program, even if I would have considered it.

I really want to be with him, Linda. I may sound like a wimp but sometimes I cry when I think about not being with him. Like the other day when I didn't see him at work on friday, I literally broke into tears at night in bed whilst I was listening to some music. I cried for like an hour. I really love him alot and just want to be there for him.

I'm going to work 2moro and I'm hoping that I will see him as I really missed not seeing him when I went to work last friday.

takecare, and hope to hear from you soon.

[chilli]

by the way Linda, one thing I am really upset and disappointed about is that you still seem to think that my love for this guy is just a fantasy that we all have now and again.

Hope this is not true if this is what you think my love for this guy is?

I can honestly and proudly swear on my parents life that I have never fantasized about doing anything dirty with this guy since the day I met him, especially anything such as raping etc etc!!!!

However, I do admit that the only thing I fantasize about at night is holding my pillow and imagining it was him who I was holding and cuddling, whilst looking into his eyes like the green ocean and basically telling him 'I LOVE YOU' with a kiss.

My love for him is very sweet, gentle and full of warmth. Hope you understand what he means to me now.....

[l4linda]

Sorry Chilli, I didn't mean to downplay your feelings or make it sound like they aren't real. I'm only referring to the secret admirer idea, which as you can tell I think isn't the best plan. I didn't mean to make it sound like your feelings for him are dirty. I guess I used the wrong kind of fantasy ideas to try to illustrate my point.

Bottom line is I just think probably need to be a little more careful than most because you don't know for sure how a guy (who you don't for sure is gay or not,) might feel about the way you feel about him.

And just because I wouldn't date someone from work, doesn't mean that others don't or shouldn't. It can get sticky if things don't work out, and pretty uncomfortable to have to see someone you're not with anymore every day at work after a breakup. I know of situations where it has worked out, and others where it hasn't. Where I work there are at least 2-3 married couples who met at there, so see, it worked out for them. It's just that, realistically, most romantic relationships don't turn into long-term committed relationships, and it can get really complicated with a co-worker.

Back to basics, I think the first thing you need to do is somehow find out if your love is gay or not. If not, as hard as it's going to be for you, you're going to need to let it go.

Do you ever talk to him? If not, maybe you should start there. Not romantic talk, just friendly, casual chat. It would be great if there's something going on at work you could talk to him about. Maybe you should just start with trying to get to know him as a person, just take it slow, especially considering the circumstance. He might tell you he's gay, or maybe he'll mention a girlfriend or say something to give you an indication whether he is or not. Just take it really slow until you have a better idea of what his orientation is.

I think I can tell you're sincere. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm just trying to encourage you to calm down and slow down a bit. Hang in there! Let us know how it's going.

[chilli]

Thanx Linda, glad that you understand that my love is not superficial for this guy.

About the secret admirer issue, I doubt that I will be doing anything like that now, because the other day when I was at work, I seen him and I think he has started to notice me for the fact that I am always looking at him so he might get a bit suspicious if I sent him something as a 'secret admirer' now.

Also, you won't believe this, but miracles do happen and sometimes they happen for a reason. When I finished work on the same day, me and him bumped into each other!!!! He said 'sorry mate' whilst gently holding me as we bumped. I didn't know how to react, I should have said sumthing too but I was lost staring into his eyes, becoz it felt really weird that this happened to me. It's like a sign from god that there is sumthing between us, but nobody knows what it is yet??

I know this might sound a bit foolish, supersitious and immature but isn't it funny that I bumped into him out of all the people that work at the same place??? Not forgetting the customer crowds too.....!!! You see, I work in a busy supermarket store on the checkouts and this guy works on the toiletries/accessories department. Therefore, it's very rare to bump into a particular person, it could have been anyone, so why him???????

I wish I could re-live that moment again when I bumped into him. It was the closest I have ever been to him. He looked so innocent and adorable. But if it happened again I would probably say sumthing this time.... He also came to get some chewing gum near my checkout and looked at me saying sumthing about the chewing gum, but I was busy with the stupid customers...!!!!

As you can see, I am taking things slow even though my heart is racing like crazy for him. But I've not even said or done anything yet and all these miracles between me and him are happening, which is freaking me out a little becoz I don't know what to believe or expect???

Unfortunately, I didn't see him 2day as he wasn't in @ work 2day, but I'm hoping that I will see him 2moro now, becoz not seeing him makes my day very miserable at work and I can't seem to concentrate if I don't see him every other hour at work.

[chilli]

Well I went to work 2day and I did see him but this time I seen him during my lunch break surprisingly. I was eating with one of my colleagues who I would probably call a true friend becoz she always treats me very nicely and is like an angel.

Anyway, he was sitting behind our table with another girl who is just a friend/colleague of his, nothing more. He talked to my friend who was sitting with me. He looked at me and noticed me but felt afraid to say hello. Apparently, this guy that I like knows my friend too.....

I think I'm beginning to understand how complicated a relationship with a co-worker can be, because we all know that there are always rumours and gossip going around about all the staff at any work place.

In this case, I am really glad that Linda talked me out of the 'secret admirer' issue with this guy. I've realised how much gossip and rumours it would have created at work and how much it would affect me mentally becoz I know that all my colleagues would eventually find out becoz gossip travels faster at work than anywhere else. I'm not too sure if I would be able to deal with all the comments made and heard by my colleagues at work if they knew that I was the guy, who loves this guy.

However, all this still doesn't change the way I feel about this guy and it never will. I am willing to do anything for him but I want to be safe at the same time too, as I don't want to ruin my chances with him.

I was just staring at him in the canteen 2day and I was kinda jealous of the girl who he was sitting with, becoz she was so close to him, eating and talking with him. I know there is no need for me to be jealous of her becoz she is only his friend and colleague, but I'm just jealous of the fact that she gets to be with him all the time.

I really want to talk to him but I don't know how to approach him becoz I never see him out of work and when I do see him, he is usually with other people. I'd prefer to have a 1-1 general chat with him, just to get to know him, but it's very hard when he works in a different department.

I couldn't believe it that he was sitting right behind me 2day in the canteen whilst I was eating with my mate, but still there was a barrier between us...

I think my health is being affected by all this too becoz I have become unwell all of a sudden with a soar throat and fever. Am I LOVE SICK or is this just a coincidence? I don't even seem to eat well either these days. It's like I feel hungry but then when I eat, suddenly I feel full and sick after a few bites. I can't remember myself being like this???

I am going crazy in his love and what hurts the most is being away from him......I really don't think I can get over him now no matter what, I have fallen too deep in his love that its seems impossible for me to return back to normal.....

[chilli]

I hope that everyone had a nice Christmas. Mine was gud except now I'm back again with the same old problem with my love life.

I returned back to work 2day after christmas and everything. I seen him again in the canteen and he was sitting on the same table as my Supervisor. So I took this opportunity as my golden chance to finally approach and talk to him. I sat down opposite my Supervisor. He was sitting just 2 seats away from me with one of his mates. He spoke to my supervisor for a little while. I even noticed that he's bought some new shoes believe it or not.

My surpervisor left after a while and I was still having my lunch. I was about to ask him how long has he been working here and start a general conversation with him. But I felt a bit stupid and embarassed to interupt him whilst he was chatting to his mate. I also felt kinda stupid sitting by myself on the same table as him too. So I didn't even finish my lunch properly or had a drink, I just put my plate away and walked out of the staff canteen.

He was sooo jolly and lively. His smile is like a 1000 WATT bulb. I don't know why but everytime I try to approach him, something always happens to me and I'm never successful at it. If he was by himself then I would have said something but when I see him with others, I become all nervous and shy. I feel scared that I might say something wrong or stupid that will make me look like a fool in his eyes. Afterall, the 1st impression is the last, right?

I think this guy that I love is straight and not gay. But does this have to be the end of my love? I mean wouldn't he be interested at all? Isn't it still possible for me and him to be together? God knows how many times I've said this but I really like him alot and I literally cry every night being away from him....

Only if he knew about all these feelings I have for him that I'm sharing with everyone on this site. It would make him realise what he means to me.....

GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME....!!!!!!!!

[xiaomoon]

Hey I guess you need to seriously consider stepping out the 1st move which is to have your first conversation with him. Only through conversation will you sense gradually if he is a gay. Well I guess you better act quick or somethings might happen like he may get transfered to another company or he might quit (you'll never know). Erm, guess you have to take care of your health too, don't get too lovesick till it affects your daily meals. See, you you're feeling weak, your guts tends to feel weaker too and you won't have the energy to be able to approach him! Present yourself with your healthiest look to him! hmm maybe he will like your positive attitude. Good Luck! :agree:

[l4linda]

Hey Chilli,

Don't be so hard on yourself! You seem like a pretty shy person, maybe in general, or maybe just in this instance. I know it sounds really hard, but try to step back some and be a little more objective. You'll never find out what you need to know until/unless you find your courage to speak with this guy. If you learn he's not gay then you're going to have to face the reality that there's no future with him beyond the possibility of a friendship. As long as you don't know, you can continue to believe there's the possibility of the relationship you want with him. You may be avoiding talking to him because of your fear of finding out the truth, but until you know one way or the other, you're stuck in a hellish limbo. It might be deep down inside you, so deep you're having a hard time finding it, but you DO have the courage you need to at least learn the truth. Once you know the truth you may be able to go forward in pursuing a relationship, or you'll need to face that it's not going to be possible. If he's not gay, you'd be doing yourself (and him) a favor to know that. Although I know you can't see it now, if it turns out he's not gay your feelings for him can be turned into a tremendous opportunity for your future happiness if you're able to learn from all the pain and sufferering you're going through. Sometimes we learn the most about ourselves through painful experiences. However this ends up working out, you can come out on the other end better for the experience, and having a greater understanding of yourself if you allow yourself to. Listen sweet man, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going, ok? Don't dispair! Life is a journey, not a destination, and as long as you're learning and growing, it matters less that you get exactly what you want than that you're willing to strive for it. There may come a time, or maybe not, when you're going to have to give up on the possibility of a relationship with this guy, and you need to be prepared for that possibility.

In your last post you said you hoped everyone had a nice Christmas - (I did, by the way, very relaxed and low-stress, spent with my husband, our kids, and our extended families,) why not ask your friend at work about his? Make it an open-ended question which might hopefully lead to a give-and-take conversation. Next time you see him, greet him! Say "Hi, how are you doing today?" Ask him how his day is going. That's not at all threatening, and I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! Simple question, short conversation, and you've broken the ice. You may find something in his answer to keep the conversation going. Either way, you've broken the ice. Next time, do the same, but maybe also ask him how he spent his Christmas (or New Year's Eve if it's next week,) that's easy enough, and not at all threatening. Maybe in his answer you'll find some clue to his sexual orientation and whether or not he's currently in a relationship with anyone. Show interest in him the same as you would with any other co-worker there that you're already friends with. Think about how those friendships have developed during the time you've worked there and how easily and naturally they've developed. Many great romances begin as friendships, and not all friendships become great romances, right? Try to develop that attitude towards this situation, and approach him as someone you're interested in getting to know. RELAX!!! The intensity of your feelings for him is getting in your way, and while it's very hard to tame them, try to find a way to do that and approach him with the curiosity of a new friendship. Ultimately, what will be will be, and there's nothing you can do to make this guy something he's not, or feel something for you that he can't. The best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to get a handle on your emotions and don't let them control you. You CAN be in control of your feelings - everyone can - it's really up to you. Alot of what you're experiencing has to do with hormones and brain chemicals - feelings of love have a lot to do with the way these substances interact in the brain and body. As humans though, we also have reason and logic in our tool boxes, so use them to get a handle on all of this. No matter what happens between you and your co-worker, this experience will be one for you to grow and learn from. Allow it to be that, and no matter what happens, you WILL BE OK! Life is full of opportunities, and when one door closes, another one usually opens. Go with the flow, and don't try to control what happens. Let yourself be at peace with whatever the outcome, and let yourself learn from every experience you go through in life. Hang in there Chilli, however this works out, even though it might not seem like it right now, you're gonna be ok! Just please believe that, alright? Hang in there buddy!

[chilli]

I am actually speechless with words at the moment after reading Linda's advice. It has really hit me hard once again....

I am a shy person generally when I meet new people, but it takes me time to open up to people. But once I've got to know them, I am like a open book. Although being shy used to be a barrier for me at school, when it came to making new friends, but it has not stopped me from making friends at work now. In fact working in a supermarket and dealing with customers everyday has brought a tremendous change in my self-confidence and the way I talk to new people I meet. Even my family has noticed this change in me too. I've made quite a few good mates at work too. I know friendship is the 1st step I need to take with this guy for obvious reasons. It's not like as if I'm not trying my best to be friendly with him. I have been doing my best but you're right, my emotions are taking control of me.

You see I am a shy person at work, but outside of work I am shy to a certain extent. Basically I am a completely different person when I'm not at work. You see I like to keep my personal and professional life on a balanced level. But this doesn't mean that I have to stop loving this guy just because he is a colleague or apart of my profession. I want him to meet the real me when I am not at work, because at the end of the day that is who I am in reality and that is who he should be atrracted to, if he is....?? I am not going to give up on him that easily I know, and sooner or later I will eventually get to know him more better by talking to him and hopefully become good friends with him.

He actually approached me 2day himself, he came to my checkout, he said 'hello mate can you please do a price check for me?' He was right in front of me....I felt a bit nervous but I didn't let my nerves get to me. It was another perfect moment with him....Also, today in the staff canteen, I was sitting with one of my mates and there was this guy who came and sat with us and started talking to her. I'm not being judgmental but the way he was talking to her and describing how he spent christmas with his partner sounded as if he had a relationship with a man and that he was gay. I was glad to know that I am not the only one who has feelings for a guy in this way. But what shocked me the most was that my mate already knew that this guy had a relationship with a man, I think. This is because she asked him what he bought him for christmas....

I'm not too sure of how my family and friends would react if they were to find out that I had feelngs for a guy. I know they may be hurt and disappointed in a certain way, but then again loving someone is not a CRIME! I am also aware that the media and society make a great issue about being gay/lesbian and attracted to the same sex, which has manipulated people to love/believe in a certain manner. But in my case, if this guy who I love is willing to accept me for who I am, just the way I am accepting him, then I have no problem or what so ever with what the rest of the world think and say about US!

I think this is the biggest fear I have which is stopping me from approaching him and getting to know him. For example if he is gay and is interested in me, how would people around us react? Or if he isn't gay then how would he react to my feelings? I don't want him to make a issue about my feelings and turn it into gossip at work....!

[xiaomoon]

I guess if your mind is clear enough, avoiding gossip at work is not a problem if you two agrees to act normal in the office. Whereas time to come and meet the parents, I guess they will eventually give you their blissings after getting a little talk with them. I hope you would put away these worries at the moment as I can see you stressing yourself up. Well, you can just treat it as normal and think of making another friend for the first move- theres no harm. :cheer:

[l4linda]

I agree with Xiaomoon that if you develop a romantic relationship it doesn't have to be a subject for gossip at work. Assuming things work out the way you want them to, no one there needs to know you're romantically involved with a co-worker until or unless you and he decide to let it be known, and just being friendly and getting to know him shouldn't lead to gossip.

I mentioned in a much earlier post about a past relationship I had with a co-worker. We were dating for over a year before anyone at work at found out, and the reason they found out is because we ourselves decided to go public and attend a company event together. Once we we started dating we sort of avoided each other at work for the same reason - we didn't want gossip. We wanted to be in control of who knew about us and when, and once we felt ready for others to know, we decided to attend the party together. By that time we were very comfortable in our relationship and didn't really concern ourselves too much about what other people thought. Although people were surprised we were together, they were happy for us and supportive. We are heterosexual, but it was an interracial relationship. I was very pleased and a little surprised how supportive and happy for us our co-workers were because of the interracial thing. A lot of people are more progressive and accepting than I had given them credit for. The relationship ended 4 years later, and while I decided not to date a co-worker again in the future, I had no regrets about the relationship.

I just recently read that 50% of marriages now happen between people who meet on the job - co-workers and other business associates. That was surprising to me in some ways, and not surprising in others, especially considering how much time we spend at work and how well we often get to know the people we work with.

As far as your family and friends outside of work go, some people may not have a great reaction, especially at first, but I suspect most will come to accept you for who you are and their love and friendship for you won't be harmed. It might take some time for them to work through their feelings and that might be stressful for you, but if their love and friendship for you is true and unconditional, they will learn and grow from the experience, which will benefit not only you but other gay people they come into contact with.

There are surely some homophobes out there that might never feel comfortable with your sexual orientation, but really that's their problem. Of course you'll need to be careful around certain people because there are still those who feel different from them is wrong, and some of them can even be dangerous.

As you become more comfortable with yourself so will many, if not most others - that's the way it seems to work regardless of the issue - homosexuality, interracial or multi-cultural relationships, couples who adopt children who don't come from the same ethnic background, women and men in romantic relationships with much older or much younger partners, etc. It seems that there will always be people who think it's their job to judge others, but fortunately there are less of them these days than in past decades and past generations.

Friendships with other gay and lesbian people might help you - they can share their experiences and you can learn from them. Also there are some good books out there you might want to check out. If you have a good bookstore nearby it will probably have a section on the subject, and the internet also has some good sites with lots of good information as well as online bookstores where you can do searches for some good books on the subjects of coming out to family and friends and coping with some of the stresses that gay and lesbian people experience in everyday life.

We all want and need love, and to me it doesn't matter whether we are heterosexual or homosexual in our orientations, as long as we are true to ourselves and the people we love and care for. I really do think the more comfortable you are with yourself, the more comfortable others will be with you.

[chilli]

I think before I start worrying and evaluating about how other people react to my relationship with him, I need to worry about how he would react. As you can see I have got alot of various thoughts going on in my head, which is making me all frustrated and confused. I think the 1st thing I need to do is to empty my mind, RELAX and approach this guy in a positive, caring, friendly attitude....

But you see it's really hard because everytime and the only time I see him, he is usually busy doing his job or he is with his mates. Also, this guy is really lively and friendly with everyone at work and he is really cheerful. This makes it harder for me because how can a shy person at work like me get noticed by a guy like him?

I know me and him may be completely incompatible but I thought OPPOSITES ATTRACT! Doesn't being different and unique make a relationship more stronger because you get to share and learn more about each other? I wouldn't say that I am all that shy either and I know that he has noticed me quite a few times. But you see sometimes when we see someone, we often misjudge their personality and and make assumptions about them, just because of the way they physically look.

Anyway, it's new years eve 2moro and I've got to go work. Hopefully I will see him if he is working 2moro and I will definitely put the extra effort into having a general conversation with him...!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL & BEST OF LUCK FOR THE YEAR 2005!

[chilli]

Hello, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope that everyone had a nice end for the year 2004 and I wish all the acme-love forum members the best of luck in the new year 2005. I had a good time on news years eve too, I spent it with my family and went to a party, nothing really special though. It would have been SPECIAL if things between me and this guy would work out....

Anyway, I returned back to work along with my new years resolution, which was to try and talk to this guy and be friendly with him. I said hello to him nearly all this week and admired him asusual too. I even tried starting a conversation with him in the canteen. He was sitting just 1 seat away from me and as soon as I was about to start the conversation by asking him how long has he been working here, his lunch break was over and walked out of the canteen giving me a casual smile and look. I was 90% almost successful on acheiving my new year's resolution.

However, by the end of the week, on friday, things got even worser. Whilst I was working on the checkouts, serving customers, I seen him KISS a girl on the cheek, who also happens to work there part-time but came into see him. I know who she is because me and her started work together at the same time, as we were together at the induction day. She is a college girl. Then, during lunch time I seen him and this girl in the cafe where I work. This is when my heart shattered into pieces and left bruised scars when I seen both of them kissing and hugging. You don't know how I felt at that point, I literally had a few tears drop down my eyes and one of the customers asked me if I was ok. I didn't know what to say, so I jus said that I've got a bit of a cold and I'm allergic to smoke, which I am anyway.

I was totally shocked to see what was happening. Believe me, everytime I think about this moment when I seen him kiss and touch this girl, I can still feel the burning pain deep in my heart. After all this, I went for my lunch and I couldn't even eat (in fact I've only had a sandwich, tea, apple and water all day long today...), I went straight into the men's restroom and burst into tears. I know this all may sound a bit wimpish and cliched for a guy, but please try and understand how I feel.

I never thought that the girl who started work with me, would steal my love away from me. But I can't really blame her or anyone else, it's not her fault. I'm not even jealous of her in a way, because as long as he is happy with her, I'm happy for him too. Like I said my love is deep and true for him and is not about gaining his love in return. Just because I love him, it doesn't mean that he has to love me too right. I just want to be close to him, share his feelings and be there for him.

You see, I am even more confused of what to do now. I really like him alot and I really don't want this to be the end of my love for somebody who I have loved more than anybody else, especially since he doesn't even know how I feel. I've even had thoughts of suicide because I know there is never a chance of me and him being together now....

My heart is crying and weeping for his LOVE.....plz help me.....I can't forget him, so please don't tell me to get a grip, face reality, let go and move on...!!!!

[AresFury06]

Why are you wasting your time thinking about this guy. He's obviously not your one true love considering the fact that he is straight.

Quit thinking that you're in love with him. You've never even had a conversation with him. I personally don't believe in love at first sight. I believe that you have to know and understand a person to truely love them.

[chilli]

That is the same question I am always asking myself too, 'WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME THINKING ABOUT HIM WHEN HE IS STRAIGHT?' But love is blind and makes you believe in the unbelievable sometimes. I know it's not love at first sight for me, but he just makes me feel special and makes me love and appreciate life everytime I see him.

Even though we haven't had a decent conversation yet, there is still this magical feeling the way he smiles at me and looks at me. I don't know how, when, where and why I have developed such warm, loving and caring feelings for him.

I know he is taken and this is not easy for me to deal with at the moment. But I am trying to my best to keep myself in control by diverting my attention into other social activities so that I can try to forget him. I've even took time off from work to recover from my heart-break. I doubt I will be able to forget him but can't say I never tried, right?

I don't believe in love at 1st sight either, but I still have faith in my love for him and I know if it's meant to be, it will work out eventually and I don't want to lose HOPE....thats all!

[xiaomoon]

loving a person need'nt nessary to have a bgr relationship with him. you can have him as a friend instead and you can treat him nicely too in the same way.

[chilli]

Well, my 2 weeks holiday from work is almost over now, but it doesn't feel like I've had a holiday becoz I have gone through some tough phases in these 2 weeks away from work. I know this might sound really childish, strange and unbelievable but I actually made an attempt at committing suicide by taking an overdose of nurofen tablets....!!!

I know I'm INSANE!!! But I still don't know why I did it. Just before my holidays I was heart-broken becoz I found out that the person I love, loves somebody else. Then in the 1st week of my holidays, I had a few family problems and my health became really bad and I began to suffer from migraine headaches and sharp pains through my chest and stomach. I went to the doctors and he gave me some medication and told me to get plenty of rest, which I did, but I was still suffering...I was literally in bed for 4 days constant. I didn't have the energy and was feeling very weak. I felt soooo cold and lonely, especially whilst suffering alone in bed for 4 days.

My heart just couldn't bare the pain anymore. I tried crying and listening to music to forget everything that was happening to me. But it didn't work this time. So without thinking of what could happen to me, I took an overdose of 6 nurofen tablets. I was just really fed up of my life. There is nothing worse than feeling UNWANTED by the people who you are surrounded by....

Then 2 hours after taking the overdose, I was feeling faint and blur. My parents found out and they shouted at me like crazy for doing such a thing. When they asked me why I took the overdose, I didn't have an explaination because there were far too many things on my mind and heart to tell them the way I feel. I just looked down with my eyes and told them that I was fed up of the migraine pain.

I don't think they believed me and they knew something was wrong and something was bothering me in my heart. But at that point they didn't ask me too much. The main aim was to get me to the hospital immediately after taking the overdose. My sister took me to the hospital and I was seen by a doctor etc etc.

On saturday after the overdose incident, in middle of the night, I even suffered from a very severe sharp pain beside my heart. I became a little short of breath and felt uneasy. My dad and my sister had to rush to take me to the hospital @ 6am to have it checked out immediately. Luckily, the doctor seen me quickly and gave me some more tablets to cure the pain....

I have realised that my actions were foolish, immature and very selfish. I didn't think about my parents who love me alot. I still don't know where I got the power and guts from for taking the overdose and ending my life!!!??

My life just seems like a complete mess at the moment. Everything seems to be going wrong for me.....1st it was this guy and my broken-heart, 2nd it was family problems, 3rd my health became really bad and most recently I have been REJECTED by a talent show, which I tried out for my dream career....why always me??? Do I really deserve all this after what I have been going through for the past few months?

GOD PLEASE HELP ME......

[xiaomoon]

I am sad for you too. Everyone has downtimes, it may be normal for you to feel that you are having relationship problems with family or other people around you.

If you let your mind control over you, you will drop into hell where you have no chance of reviving.
You might wanna ask your conscious, will you treat yourself fiarly if you continue to downgrade yourself.

You live for yorself, not live for any other people's lifes.

Love doesn't mean you have to possess the person. Set him free and your heart will be free.

[chilli]

I never said I want to possess this guy that I love. I've made myself very clear about this before that my love for him is not about gaining or receiving love from him in return....

From what I have been going through in these past 2 weeks, I don't blame him at all for anything. I didn't attempt to commit suicide because I can't share my love with this guy. I don't even know why I did try to kill myself, but I do know that it definitely wasn't because of him, even though I was heart-broken after seeing him with someone else. I was just soo confused and fed up with the way things were going in my life. I felt as if I had no meaning of living life. My family and friends dont understand me and that's when I thought and asked myself who am I living my life for? etc etc. It is very hard to find the right type of people these days who can understand and be there for you through thick and thin.

I still feel the same way even after what has happened. But I do realise that committing suicide is definitely not the answer to my problems in life. I have also realised how much it would have hurt my parents, family and friends if the overdose had killed me.

I guess it will take time for things to get back to normal. I am looking forward to go back to work after 2 weeks now. Seeing him after a long time will definitely make me smile and brighten my life up a little....

[l4linda]

Hey Chili,
Are you getting some help for your depression and your suicide attempt? Normally in the US when someone tries to off himself the hospital insists on hospitalization, evaluation, and treatment of whatever's going on that would cause a person to try to kill themselves, because that definitely isn't normal, no matter what the reasons you did it or even if you really didn't mean to try to kill yourself.

I have a lot of experience with a family member suffering from depression and suicide attempts, and it's not something to ignore or to hope will pass. Your parents love you and are probably very worried about you now. You're keeping too much inside and you need someone to talk to who you can trust and can help you deal with all the complicated and difficult feelings and circumstances you're going through right now. Please, if you're not getting some counseling help, ask your parents to help you get it, or find a way yourself to get some help.

You're stronger than you think, and sure, things are tough right now, but that's life sometimes. The good and beautiful things we experience every day get overshadowed sometimes by the awful ones, and our mental health can get out of balance. Getting some good counseling, and possibly getting on some medication will really help you to climb out of the hole you're in right now. Life is tough, and everyone can use a little help now and then - it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you socialize much? Do you have empathetic, compassionate friends you can trust to talk about everything you've been going through lately? Can you talk to your parents? I might be wrong but it seems like you're keeping a lot of this inside, except for the stuff you write here. Have you been able to talk about what you've been feeling lately with anyone?

I care about you even though I've only 'met' you through this site, and I find myself thinking about and worrying about how you're handling everything - sometimes you'll just pop into my head. I have kids a little older than you and I remember the tough times they were going through and how they sometimes had a hard time emotionally handling it.

You have your whole life ahead of you to live, learn, love, grow, and trust me, IT WILL GET BETTER! You just gotta believe that. I know it seems really bad right now, but every painful experience we go through in life happens for a reason, and teaches us so much if we let it, and softens our hearts just a little more if we let it.

Keep breathing through this, look around and see the beauty in life all around you - a sunset, clean sheets, mom's cooking, a rainbow, a new mother and her baby, a safe place to live, parents who love you, an open heart, a sympathetic word, pay attention to the good things in life - make yourself more aware, conscious, and grateful for them. Life is a precious gift, and you are unique and precious in the eyes of God who loves you and who believes in you, and who knows you have the strength to get through this and whatever other painful experiences you go through in life.

The good in life is worth the pain, and unfortunately sometimes there's no getting around the pain. Hang in there, buddy, it's worth it.

[Rotcchik]

I'm praying for you, hon! You sound like a sweet guy with a good heart, and if you feel that strongly about something,I think you should have a chance! :angel:

[chilli]

A big HI to every member on the ACME LOVE forum!...Wishing all of you a very warm and HAPPY VALENTINE with your loved ones and a very special blessing to every1 who doesn't have a Valentine this year..!!

I haven't been on the forums for quite some time and I do apologize for not replying to the posts, but I've been busy getting my shattered heart and life together after all the dramatic phases in the past few months...

Linda, I am absolutely not going through or into depression, but I appreciate your kind consideration for me. It's nice to know that there are strange people who we interact with on the web forums, who care about you so much. All the things I have been through are in the past now and it was just a terrible dark experience. I don't really want to even discuss anything about the overdose I took a month ago. It was a terrible mistake and I regret behaving like a foolish phsycho..lol haha. But let me clarify one thing, the overdose incident had nothing to do with this guy I love at work....I was just fed up of the small things in my life, but now I have realised the importance of these small things of life....

Anyway, let me cut the crap and give you some insight into whats happening in my life now....not that anybody would care....lol haha just kidding! Well there is no doubt I still love this guy alot at work, but recently when I returned back to work after my 2 weeks holiday, I didn't see him for another 2 weeks. I was really upset and worried because I thought that he had left work and moved somewhere else. I mean I thought I would never see him again in my life. I was even having crazy thoughts like him and that girl getting married and starting a new life together....etc etc

But in these 4 weeks which I didn't see him, also made me realise that I am chasing for a guy's love, who will never be able to accept my love for him, especially with him already being involved with a girl. I thought to myself and woke up to start living and facing the facts of reality i.e..NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN ME AND THIS GUY AND THAT'S THE BITTER TRUTH I HAD TO FACE!!! I'm not saying my love for him was just an infatuation or just a physical attraction. I mean I still love him and want to be with him more than anything in this world. But you have to let go of some things in life when they are out of your reach...

So I've finally decided to move on with my life and I've diverted my attention to other goals of my life. I'm only 20 and I am still in the process of building my career as a choreographer. I still see him at work and I seen him after a good old month this week. I even seen him walking in hand-to-hand right past me, with his girl. YES, it did still hurt me to see him love her so much, but then again the hardest thing in love is always watching the person you love, love somebody else....THE PAIN IS STILL THERE SEEING HIM WITH SOMEONE ELSE, BUT I CAN'T FEEL THE PAIN BECOZ THE FEELINGS HAVE BECOME FROZENED!!! Anyway, although he can't be mine. I still love him and always want to see him happy and smiling. I wish him all the best for the future with his girl and hope that his love will always stay with him forever.

Most people usually have proposals and confessions to make on Valentines Day to their loved ones. I must be one of the unluckiest person to have LOST LOVE even before getting to feel being loved by the one I love in reality, on such a warm, romantic day...!! However, nobody can still stop me from loving him secretly....

HAPPY VALENTINE ONCE AGAIN.....

[l4linda]

Hi Chili,
I'm SO glad you wrote again. I've been worrying about you and I'm really happy that you're doing better. Even though we don't really know each other, I feel like I've gotten to know a lot about you through this forum. You seem like such a good-hearted person, and I've felt so much compassion for everything you've been going through that you've discussed here.

I have kids about your age, and I remember myself what it was like to be young(er! - I still feel young myself!) I know how painful it can be to love someone and not have that love returned, and I know how tough it can be growing up and sorting out all the things young people experience emotionally.

One day you're going to meet the right person for you, who will love you in return. I just feel that in my heart. You have your whole life ahead of you! In the meantime I think it's really wise of you to focus on your other life and career goals.

I don't think you're unlucky, even though I know it feels that way to you. Everything we go through in life presents an opportunity for learning and growth. Sometimes the painful things can teach us the most about ourselves. Even though we don't really know each other, I feel proud of you! I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted, I was really hoping for you that you'd get what you wanted.

Still, you've learned so much in the past couple of months, especially about yourself. And that's a really good thing.

It's pretty normal to feel numb, or like you said, frozen, I think it's our heart's way of protecting us from more pain than we can bear. Time does help heal a lot of that pain. To this day I've never forgotten my first love, and I still think about him and wonder how he is and what his life is like. But it doesn't hurt anymore, and it's been a really long time since it did. My second love was my ex-husband. I was married for 23 years, and I loved my husband with all my heart, but he didn't love me, and told me that almost from the beginning of our marriage. I stayed with him for a really long time, and when I finally accepted the fact he didn't love me back, it hurt like hell, and it took a long time for the pain to go away. But I'm not sorry I loved him, even if he didn't love me back. And now, finally at 47 years old, I'm married to the love of my life, and we treasure every moment together. It took a long time and a lot of heartbreak before I got to this point in my life, but believe me, everything I went through was worth it to have found this wonderful man. One day you'll find the one you're meant to be with, I just know it!

Anyway, I'm really glad you wrote again. Take care hon, be strong, and be well! Thanks for the Valentines good wishes. I know this isn't the happiest Valentines Day for you, but I wish you many happy Valentines Days to come, and I feel confident that with your caring, good heart, you deserve them and you WILL have them! God Bless you sweetie!