coworkers weekend sleepovers

[l4linda]

My husband's coworkers plan a couple of annual weekend trips but don't invite spouses. I'm a newlywed, but even if I'd been married for years, I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with this. I do trust him, and the relationships are platonic, but I still think it's inappropriate and unusual. From what I understand, other spouses aren't comfortable with these events either. I think it's rude and inconsiderate to invite married opposite-sex coworkers to a social overnight out- of-town event without their spouses. My discomfort with these situations has caused us stress and conflict. He seems to not really understand why these scenarios would trouble me, seems hurt and offended, and says I don't trust him. How would he feel if it was me going off with my male co-workers without their wives? I'm really baffled how he doesn't understand how I feel about this - I think there are very few people who would be comfortable in similar circumstances.

Please respond - I'm really interested in hearing other opinions about this. To me this is a no-brainer, and I find it very surprising that he would expect and assume I (or any spouse for that matter,) would be ok with these arrangements. But maybe I'm wrong. Guys - how would you feel it was your wife or girlfriend? Women - would you be comfortable if it was your husband? Am I too old-fashioned? Am I overreacting?

[NHO3]

Not sure I understand. Are you saying a bunch of women from his job invite him out to a overnight event? Also I was wondering where he works. I think its wrong if the spouses cant go. If the female employees that are inviting him wont allow you to go then its a problem and he shouldnt go in the first place. I think your concern is lagitimate. I would be worried if my spouse or girlfriend spent the night with a bunch of men she barely knew. What do they do during these trips? If they invite all the employees of the company and its a lagitimate vacation/trip then that might not be so bad but the fact that spouses cant go would be a problem. In my opinion if you are not comfortable with it then your husband should respect you enough to not go. It doesnt matter why you feel the way you do. If something he is doing makes you feel uncomfortable then he should think twice about doing it. Thats what being a husband and a "man" is all about.

[ct63]

To take a joy trip and do not even give the spouse and option to tag along would seriously upset me. When my ex-husband used to go on hunting and fishing trips I had the option to go along. I chose not to but at least he was conciderate enough to invite me. What did he say when you asked him how he would feel if you did the same thing?

[l4linda]

He's an executive, and several other executives from his office, both male and female, take a couple of annual weekend trips to vacation homes they own. They don't invite their spouses along. They don't see any problem with it. They feel their spouses should understand their relationships aren't sexual, and should trust them and not be uncomfortable.

My husband admits it's unusual, but he sees nothing wrong with it. On one of the trips there's one woman and three or four guys, and the woman host invites her sister but not her husband, and no wives are invited.

Their are two different hosts for each of the two trips. On the other trip, it's also a female host. Her husband is there, and the spouses of the guests who live locally are invited, but the spouses of the out-of-town guests aren't invited. So my husband, his married female co-worker, and a couple of other married males from here travel there together. For each of the two annual trips, they all sleep in the same house, men in one room, women in another.

They do know each other pretty well - have all worked together for many years, and consider themselves friends as well as coworkers.

Did that explanation make it more clear?

I think they are too close to the situation and aren't recognizing how bad it appears even if nothing sexual is going on. That's one of my problems with it - it signifies bad judgement from the outset and lack of consideration and respect for the spouses - not just me, all of us. Even though it is platonic, (and I do believe it is,) it "looks bad." It just doesn't seem like something that's good for married people to be doing, and it seems to me that most people would probably be uncomfortable in my shoes.

Thank you for your viewpoint NHO3. It reinforces what I think about the situation. Like I said, to me this seems like a no-brainer, and I'm really kind of baffled why it's not obvious to him. He ended up going on one of trips, but not the other one. He did stay home because of my feelings about it, but he was sarcastic and resentful about it, and it was a silent and uncomfortable weekend. We have recovered from it mostly by now, but it's still on my mind a lot and I think I should bring it up again and try to get it resolved. I don't like letting things lie there to fester.

He just felt I should trust him, know how much he loves me, and know he would never cheat on me. I do feel those things from him. Even believing and trusting him, I still think these weekend trips are inappropriate. And I don't think my trust should be put to the test just a few weeks after I got married with a scenario like that.

I'm really interested in knowing what other people think about this before I talk to him about this again. Even if everyone said there's nothing wrong with it, I know myself well enough to realize I'd still be uncomfortable. But I have a feeling most people would probably see it the way I do, even people who trust their spouses.

[NHO3]

Well I dont think its right since spouses are not invited. I hope you can work it out. Communication is the key to marriage as well as being able to settle issues like that. I wish you the best of luck. Wish I could help you more :)

[l4linda]

Thank you ct63 and NHO3. Your views really helped. Like I said it seems like a no-brainer to me, but I guess I was doubting myself because of his reaction.

I will definitely be bringing this up with him again, and I do think we can work it out. He was willing to stay home from the 2nd trip once he knew how I felt, and he did stay home, it was just obvious he wasn't happy about it and really wanted to go on the trip. He was kind of a baby about it. But the fact that he offered to stay home, and did stay home, gives me some optimism that with some more conversation about it, we can work it out and both feel better about it than we do right now, even if we can't come up with a perfect, win/win solution. We really do need to get it resolved, because it's gonna come up again next year, and I don't want to wait until it's upon us again before we have an understanding.

[l4linda]

Oh, ct63, I forgot to answer your question - That was "different," because of the closeness and long-term friendships between his coworkers and himself. He really kind of glossed over that queston. I know it made him think though, and I really don't think he could honestly answer that he'd have no problem at all with it. I think that's why he didn't really give me much of answer, because the answer would have been a double-standard.

[ct63]

Linda,
please reply to my thread about phone sex. Like you thought about your question I feel its a no brainer as well but am still interested in what you might have to say about it. I am happy for you that your husband respected your feelings and loves you enough to stay home.