Royyy
10-28-2004, 06:05 AM
Please, excuse me for long post but I feel that I need to tell the whole story so maybe someone can understand me...
I'm 35, and year ago (around this time of year) I ended my long term relationship. We were dating for 13 years. Both of us were not compelled to marry or to have kids. In years I hade more and more doubts but wasn’t sure enough or strong enough to end it. She also had some doubts but unlike me she concluded that it's the way to go and made peace with it. We were faithful to each other all these years (as far as I know).
Than, last July after couple of days of intense messaging with my old friend from college (married with two children, boys, 5 and 8 years old) I found out that:
- she is very unhappy in her marriage, not only that sparks are long gone – she doesn't love him at all, she would be happy if he could find someone else and leave her alone, if it wasn't for the kids she would already left him..
- for some time (last two years) she thinks about me, fantasize about me..
I told her that I also wasn't happy.
She was my college love 15 years ago. I fell for her at first sight, I was crazy about her. Then, I misunderstood the signs and told her how I felt. She told me that it couldn't be because she is in love with the guy which several years later became her current husband. I was desperate, I wanted to be with her so much but, being young, foolish and scared of further rejections I thought that I cannot do anything about it, there seemed to be nothing but friendship from her side, no chemistry or attraction of any kind and after a while I given up. After she married him they moved and I didn't saw her for couple of years and after that maybe one or two times each following year, always being in larger company with other friends. I thought she was happy (which was true in first years of their marriage) and I was peaceful although I always felt little awkward around her. I would not say that I was in love with her all these years but she was always dear to me and obviously, in some way, I've never got over her completely.
When she shared her feelings everything came back, I was again in love, crazier than ever, like never, never before. She told me that she loves me but that she cannot promise me anything.
All that feelings convinced me that I was in a dead relationship and I had to end it which I did two months later. It was hard for my girlfriend but after some time she agreed that I was right.
In next year I was in heaven and hell. We saw each other at every opportunity taking a lot of risks of being caught. When we were together we couldn't be happier. When we were apart I was desperate and she was sad, without motivation.... She wanted to be with me but she couldn’t find enough strength to change her life, to talk with her husband openly. She told him she wasn't happy couple of times but when he asked her what does she wants she couldn't say. I must admit she is rather weak person, always avoids open confrontation, and cares too much what other people think, what her parents and everybody else would think of her if she got divorced. Most of all she thought it would be bad for kids. Now about him. She is not such a bad person but she never respected her, he was taking her, marriage, and everything for granted. He wasn't a beater but he often yelled at her, insulted her, and was unhappy if she wasn't pleasing him. He loved kids but he would rather discipline them that talked or played with them. He never motivated them, always telling them what they should have done and almost never telling them how good and smart they are. They were afraid of him. I was convinced that it would be better for kids if they divorced.
With everything she said to me, the way she behaved with me I was convinced that their marriage has no hope at all. I tried in many ways to explain her that she must do something but to no avail. She was hoping that one day he would have enough of her and that he would let her go (or sent her). She also hoped that he could find someone else. But he is very much a family person – family is everything to him – he has no hobbies, he never goes anywhere, he is not interested in anything else but how to save some more money for his family. I think this is exactly the reason that destroyed their marriage – he was so preoccupied with family as a whole that he forgot to pay attention to its vital parts: his kids and his wife.
I had so little hope all this time but I endured. My work suffered, I was degraded, I wasn't sleeping well, and I ate very little and cried a lot. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, for eternity. I knew we could be happy, we have similar interests and we understand each other, we were friends as much as lovers. They were never friends. I wrote many poems for her which I never did before. They probably aren't good but she liked them a lot. She was love of my life, I would do anything for her, I would die for her in a second. I knew she wasn't perfect and that she has many flaws but she was perfect for me. I wanted that we have one more baby when we get together. I wanted to grow old with her.
And then, one morning, he came back for something he forgot and he caught us. It wasn't so bad, we were just talking at that moment, we were dressed, but I was in their apartment ten minutes after he was gone. He yelled and screamed and he wanted to know what was going on here. She said that nothing is happening but she admitted that she loves me and told him to let her go. There were a lot of yelling and screaming and crying but basically, he could not let her go, not with kids. Of course she wasn't ready to battle with him in court for the kids. She was afraid what he could tell the kids and how could that affect them. Anyhow I thought that was it, and that they can't go back anymore. She didn't leave him immediately because he was a rack and she couldn't leave him like that. She agreed to stay with him for a while so he can prepare himself and come to peace with a fact that he had lost her.
He was changed. He became thoughtful, considerate, calm, understanding. He admitted that all these years he treated her badly, he understood and forgave her everything but he thought that they still have a chance. He started to spend all of his time playing and talking with kids (instead of sitting in front of TV), really talking, for the first time. I suspected but in the end I had to admit it was genuine. It seemed he really comprehended everything and was trying with all his might to be a better person. And he was. She said that now he is everything she ever wanted, now he has all that she needs but it is too late – it don't mean much to her anymore. She wasn't nervous and tense near him as before but she was even more sad than before. Following month it was horrible for all of us. He even wanted to spoke with me, he tried to resolve something, to understand what he could do, what he should do. Than, one night at 2am he called to say that she decided to come to me and he is letting her go, with kids. They agreed about visitation, and other things. Next day she told me that we should buy stuff for kids in my apartment and that they all will come in 3 days. I cannot tell how I felt that day. I waited for this so long with so little hope and now it is happening. That evening he again called me to say that I must take the best care of her, that everything must be perfect. I promised. She heard everything, of course.
At 4am that night she sent me some messages. He was sleeping, peacefully, for the first time this month and she sat beside him on the floor, long, looking at him. She said to me that she thinks she could love him again and that she must stay with him. She came to my apartment and we talked for hours and then she left...
What can I tell? All that stuff about broken heart, wanting to die, you know already.. I crumbled, I went numb.. The one thing that kept mi going, that she cannot love him anymore and give him anything, and that it had to end one day (who knows how long I would hade waited if he hadn't caught us) became false. She COULD love him, she again felt something for him after two years. He became good to her and the kids, she had no reason to leave him. There was no hope anymore. I felt dead inside. Everything was gone, love too..
After a while I started to spend more and more time with my friends, met many other people and I became close with one girl. She broke up with her boyfriend after long relationship and she said she wasn't ready for another one. Anyhow, we had good time together, talking and laughing and we started dating. Very soon I saw that she is crazy about me and that I wasn't at all so much crazy about her. She is a wonderful girl, beautiful, smart, funny, passionate, good, hardworking, has many friends and many interests. I have great time with her, I feel good around her but something is missing, I'm still dead inside. I cannot fill my heart like before, I cannot feel anything except guilt and fear that in the end I will hurt her. And she doesn't deserve that. I shared that with her and she said that I need time and that maybe I still didn't moved on. I didn't.
My love, which killed my heart contacted me again. She said she tried to be with him, completely, with all her heart but that she couldn't, she can't give him what he needs. She is sad, depressed, only wants to sleep. He is very unhappy but still good to her and the kids.
Again, she thinks of me a lot but she is still undecided, tired of everything and uncertain. She thinks very bad about herself and tells me that she is not sure if she has anything to give me anymore. I know she still loves me, I never doubted that but I'm not sure if she loves me enough, and I'm not sure if I love her anymore..
I tried to explain her in what bad shape I am, that I would need her to be sure like never before, if she really wants to be with me, forever..
I feel now that their divorce could be inevitable in some time and when that happens I know she will be looking for me. What will I do? My heart doesn't give me any clues. Do I still love her but I suppressed my feelings so deep inside that I couldn’t reach them now because I fear that she could change her mind again? Or is that love really gone now?
I got myself and others in such a mess. My new girlfriend already cares too much for me, I see it in her eyes, and I want to cry when he looks into my eyes with that smile. I don't want to hurt her, but maybe it's too late. Anyhow, could she be the right person for me but I need more time to open myself to her? It's not right that now I'm sort of keeping two options for me, it's not fair to them but I cannot decide. My heart is silent and I don't now what to do to make it talk to me again...
I know that I could easily loose them both.
What questions should I ask myself? How to escape from that emotional hole? How to decide if my heart doesn't tell me what to do?
I know that in course of all this I’ve done some terrible and unforgivable things. I’ll accept everything you need to say but I need some help, some guidance in all this.
Thank you..
P.S.
Excuse my English, i spell checked and everything but it’s not my native language…
I'm 35, and year ago (around this time of year) I ended my long term relationship. We were dating for 13 years. Both of us were not compelled to marry or to have kids. In years I hade more and more doubts but wasn’t sure enough or strong enough to end it. She also had some doubts but unlike me she concluded that it's the way to go and made peace with it. We were faithful to each other all these years (as far as I know).
Than, last July after couple of days of intense messaging with my old friend from college (married with two children, boys, 5 and 8 years old) I found out that:
- she is very unhappy in her marriage, not only that sparks are long gone – she doesn't love him at all, she would be happy if he could find someone else and leave her alone, if it wasn't for the kids she would already left him..
- for some time (last two years) she thinks about me, fantasize about me..
I told her that I also wasn't happy.
She was my college love 15 years ago. I fell for her at first sight, I was crazy about her. Then, I misunderstood the signs and told her how I felt. She told me that it couldn't be because she is in love with the guy which several years later became her current husband. I was desperate, I wanted to be with her so much but, being young, foolish and scared of further rejections I thought that I cannot do anything about it, there seemed to be nothing but friendship from her side, no chemistry or attraction of any kind and after a while I given up. After she married him they moved and I didn't saw her for couple of years and after that maybe one or two times each following year, always being in larger company with other friends. I thought she was happy (which was true in first years of their marriage) and I was peaceful although I always felt little awkward around her. I would not say that I was in love with her all these years but she was always dear to me and obviously, in some way, I've never got over her completely.
When she shared her feelings everything came back, I was again in love, crazier than ever, like never, never before. She told me that she loves me but that she cannot promise me anything.
All that feelings convinced me that I was in a dead relationship and I had to end it which I did two months later. It was hard for my girlfriend but after some time she agreed that I was right.
In next year I was in heaven and hell. We saw each other at every opportunity taking a lot of risks of being caught. When we were together we couldn't be happier. When we were apart I was desperate and she was sad, without motivation.... She wanted to be with me but she couldn’t find enough strength to change her life, to talk with her husband openly. She told him she wasn't happy couple of times but when he asked her what does she wants she couldn't say. I must admit she is rather weak person, always avoids open confrontation, and cares too much what other people think, what her parents and everybody else would think of her if she got divorced. Most of all she thought it would be bad for kids. Now about him. She is not such a bad person but she never respected her, he was taking her, marriage, and everything for granted. He wasn't a beater but he often yelled at her, insulted her, and was unhappy if she wasn't pleasing him. He loved kids but he would rather discipline them that talked or played with them. He never motivated them, always telling them what they should have done and almost never telling them how good and smart they are. They were afraid of him. I was convinced that it would be better for kids if they divorced.
With everything she said to me, the way she behaved with me I was convinced that their marriage has no hope at all. I tried in many ways to explain her that she must do something but to no avail. She was hoping that one day he would have enough of her and that he would let her go (or sent her). She also hoped that he could find someone else. But he is very much a family person – family is everything to him – he has no hobbies, he never goes anywhere, he is not interested in anything else but how to save some more money for his family. I think this is exactly the reason that destroyed their marriage – he was so preoccupied with family as a whole that he forgot to pay attention to its vital parts: his kids and his wife.
I had so little hope all this time but I endured. My work suffered, I was degraded, I wasn't sleeping well, and I ate very little and cried a lot. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, for eternity. I knew we could be happy, we have similar interests and we understand each other, we were friends as much as lovers. They were never friends. I wrote many poems for her which I never did before. They probably aren't good but she liked them a lot. She was love of my life, I would do anything for her, I would die for her in a second. I knew she wasn't perfect and that she has many flaws but she was perfect for me. I wanted that we have one more baby when we get together. I wanted to grow old with her.
And then, one morning, he came back for something he forgot and he caught us. It wasn't so bad, we were just talking at that moment, we were dressed, but I was in their apartment ten minutes after he was gone. He yelled and screamed and he wanted to know what was going on here. She said that nothing is happening but she admitted that she loves me and told him to let her go. There were a lot of yelling and screaming and crying but basically, he could not let her go, not with kids. Of course she wasn't ready to battle with him in court for the kids. She was afraid what he could tell the kids and how could that affect them. Anyhow I thought that was it, and that they can't go back anymore. She didn't leave him immediately because he was a rack and she couldn't leave him like that. She agreed to stay with him for a while so he can prepare himself and come to peace with a fact that he had lost her.
He was changed. He became thoughtful, considerate, calm, understanding. He admitted that all these years he treated her badly, he understood and forgave her everything but he thought that they still have a chance. He started to spend all of his time playing and talking with kids (instead of sitting in front of TV), really talking, for the first time. I suspected but in the end I had to admit it was genuine. It seemed he really comprehended everything and was trying with all his might to be a better person. And he was. She said that now he is everything she ever wanted, now he has all that she needs but it is too late – it don't mean much to her anymore. She wasn't nervous and tense near him as before but she was even more sad than before. Following month it was horrible for all of us. He even wanted to spoke with me, he tried to resolve something, to understand what he could do, what he should do. Than, one night at 2am he called to say that she decided to come to me and he is letting her go, with kids. They agreed about visitation, and other things. Next day she told me that we should buy stuff for kids in my apartment and that they all will come in 3 days. I cannot tell how I felt that day. I waited for this so long with so little hope and now it is happening. That evening he again called me to say that I must take the best care of her, that everything must be perfect. I promised. She heard everything, of course.
At 4am that night she sent me some messages. He was sleeping, peacefully, for the first time this month and she sat beside him on the floor, long, looking at him. She said to me that she thinks she could love him again and that she must stay with him. She came to my apartment and we talked for hours and then she left...
What can I tell? All that stuff about broken heart, wanting to die, you know already.. I crumbled, I went numb.. The one thing that kept mi going, that she cannot love him anymore and give him anything, and that it had to end one day (who knows how long I would hade waited if he hadn't caught us) became false. She COULD love him, she again felt something for him after two years. He became good to her and the kids, she had no reason to leave him. There was no hope anymore. I felt dead inside. Everything was gone, love too..
After a while I started to spend more and more time with my friends, met many other people and I became close with one girl. She broke up with her boyfriend after long relationship and she said she wasn't ready for another one. Anyhow, we had good time together, talking and laughing and we started dating. Very soon I saw that she is crazy about me and that I wasn't at all so much crazy about her. She is a wonderful girl, beautiful, smart, funny, passionate, good, hardworking, has many friends and many interests. I have great time with her, I feel good around her but something is missing, I'm still dead inside. I cannot fill my heart like before, I cannot feel anything except guilt and fear that in the end I will hurt her. And she doesn't deserve that. I shared that with her and she said that I need time and that maybe I still didn't moved on. I didn't.
My love, which killed my heart contacted me again. She said she tried to be with him, completely, with all her heart but that she couldn't, she can't give him what he needs. She is sad, depressed, only wants to sleep. He is very unhappy but still good to her and the kids.
Again, she thinks of me a lot but she is still undecided, tired of everything and uncertain. She thinks very bad about herself and tells me that she is not sure if she has anything to give me anymore. I know she still loves me, I never doubted that but I'm not sure if she loves me enough, and I'm not sure if I love her anymore..
I tried to explain her in what bad shape I am, that I would need her to be sure like never before, if she really wants to be with me, forever..
I feel now that their divorce could be inevitable in some time and when that happens I know she will be looking for me. What will I do? My heart doesn't give me any clues. Do I still love her but I suppressed my feelings so deep inside that I couldn’t reach them now because I fear that she could change her mind again? Or is that love really gone now?
I got myself and others in such a mess. My new girlfriend already cares too much for me, I see it in her eyes, and I want to cry when he looks into my eyes with that smile. I don't want to hurt her, but maybe it's too late. Anyhow, could she be the right person for me but I need more time to open myself to her? It's not right that now I'm sort of keeping two options for me, it's not fair to them but I cannot decide. My heart is silent and I don't now what to do to make it talk to me again...
I know that I could easily loose them both.
What questions should I ask myself? How to escape from that emotional hole? How to decide if my heart doesn't tell me what to do?
I know that in course of all this I’ve done some terrible and unforgivable things. I’ll accept everything you need to say but I need some help, some guidance in all this.
Thank you..
P.S.
Excuse my English, i spell checked and everything but it’s not my native language…