Confused Please help :0(

[CanadianBellaGina01]

Hello,
I'm really confused about my relationship with my ex boyfriend. He was my first boy friend, and i was his first girlfriend. I am sixteen and he is twenty, i didn't tell my parents i had a boyfriend. We met online when i thought he was my cousin but he wasn't (he has the same name as my cousin) and we met on our first year aniversary in real life. I've seen him 6 times and we broke up after the 4th time i saw him since he was moving a little too quickly. Also he lives 45 mins away, i didn't think it was right for him to make trips just to see me since it costs him money for gas and i can't always see him for a long period of time. I made up excuses to see him. Like going to the movies alone and meeting him, and going to the movies with friends and going on dates with him. Going on drives with him while my parents weren't home, stuff like that. One time when were supposed to go out, double date with his friend and my friend (his friend was driving). So i told my parents i was going to watch a movie with my friend and got over to my friends house ( i was promised a drive home from my "boyfriend" at the time, he said his friend could drive me) Then when i was over at my friends house i was talking to his friend online and he said he wasn't coming and that my "boyfriend" never gave him much information, when i was told everything was FOR SURE by him. So i phone him and i asked him about it and he said that he didn't know that his friend changed plans. That means i'm stranded at my friends house (since my parents went out and i said i could get a ride back) my "boyfriends" sister was going to use the car just to go to a birthday party and he wouldn't get her bro use the car, he didn't even try to get my a ride. Basically he left me for dead. SO i got a cab ride home and my friend paid for it..... I forgave him for it, and when i saw him the next time he repaid my friend for my drive home. But it seems like this happends a lot, he doesn't plan things properly, and i can't rely on him. I see little examples of this online, like when he says he'll be online at 9:30 and he comes on an hour later and says he's sorry he slept in. I mean if he really loved me wouldn't he make an effort? I don't know if i love him, i've been let down and disapointed a lot and this makes me question how much he cares about me (he still says he loves me even though we are just friends), then i question if i love him. He is the sweetest guy, but not the greatest looking of guys or the smartest. My friends say i should dump him totally. Remove him from my life. I don't know if he's worth having in my life if he hurts me and i can't always trust him. He tries really hard and he's the most romantic guy. But i really don't know if i want to be with him. He asked me to be his girlfriend again... i said we were better as friends... my way of gently saying i'm not ready and i don't know if this is a waist of time or not. Maybe it's because i'm vulnerable and i don't currently have a boyfriend (i really want one again) maybe it's because i'm needy.. i don't know Please help. any suggestion. anything would be good thanks
-Gina

[Kaisharga]

Let's focus on a few passages.

Maybe it's because i'm vulnerable and i don't currently have a boyfriend (i really want one again) maybe it's because i'm needy.. i don't know.

Let me address that this kind of waves a HUGE red flag at me. You REALLY want a boyfriend, just ANY boyfriend? You need to ask yourself, what are you really looking for, because it's not love. If you were looking for love you'd be interested in a particular guy, whether or not it was this guy, and it'd be somebody that you know and have seen around and blah blah blah. Just think about that sometime, and figure out what you're really after. Moving on.


I mean if he really loved me wouldn't he make an effort?

I have to say, I'm guilty of a few of the same things as this dude. I set my alarm, plan to meet my gf at X time, everything is settled. But when the time comes, and the alarm goes off, on a rather infrequent occasion (but on occasion nonetheless) I simply can't muster the will to get my lazy ass out of bed. So i hit the snooze, and again, et cetera, ending up an hour late.

This could be the same story with your guy. He could just be absent-minded and/or forgetful. If I knew how many times this has happened, I'd be able to better judge the probability of this; 1-10 times in one year, forgivable forgetfulness. 11-20, Careless. 21+, Why-do-I-even-bother. The amount of lateness matters a lot too.

About the promising-that-everything-was-set, guys tend to do this a bit, especially if their gals ask about the status of it a lot, and whine and pout if nothing's happened. So the guy embellishes. One time, he says "Oh yeah, i gotta call him about that soon." The next time, he may not have called, but he doesn't want to get yelled at, so, "I called, but he wasn't there." Next, "I got a hold of him, but he's not sure yet." And so on, and so on, and yes, this behavior is a VERY nasty thing to get into, but it happens. This incident may be a rather extended case of this syndrome.


Next point:
Why do you keep calling him your "boyfriend?" Like, in doublequotes? It sounds like you're already pretty well emotionally separated from him, if you can't even really call him your bf. But, that's for you to decide, not me.

One more thing. PLEASE space out your sentences and paragraphs, a huge block of text is really hard to read :o

--Kaisharga

[GeminiTau]

Okay I am going to make this short and to the point. First of all you are 16 years old and you have a lot of life ahead of you, so finding Mr. Right right now is not a priority, your priority should be you and making yourself happy.

Second of all if you are keeping this from your parents, then you know it is not right. If they would ever find out they would be very dissapointed and you would have to build their trust again.

Third, do not be with someone just to be with someone. From what I have read you do not really, truly love him, nor do you think much of yourself. You need to look inside and figure out what you want out of a relationship. This obviously is not it. Do not settle. You deserve the best. Think better of yourself and set your boundaries. If he truly loved you, he would not of waited a year to meet you, he would of not lead you to believe that he was your cousin and he would definitely make more of an effort to be with you.

Your best bet is to move on and use this as a learning experience of what you do not want in a relationship. Good luck and feel free to contact me.

[Pandora1980]

Ok- I know I did the same thing at 16, really wanted a boyfriend- partly because everyone else seemed to have one, partly because I wanted to feel "loved". It doesn't work.

The only reason you should be happy for meeting this guy is because he gave you the opportunity to learn an important lesson early on. Women in their 30s do the same thing- doesn't make it right or healthy.

You can't date a guy because you want a boyfriend, because you feel lonely or feel the need to be "loved". That will only lead to a pattern of jumping from one guy to the next-none of them succesful relationships.

Kaisharga is right- now isn't the time for you to be looking for Mr. Right. You should be developing yourself. I know it probably sounds stupid now- and you may need to learn it on your own- but you should take time for yourself- time to make yourself happy- feel loved by you- not by "a boyfriend".

Even if you were to find Mr. Right - what would you do? If you can't feel happy and loved on your own- he can't fix that.

If you want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend- it's because you need him to give you your selfworth- he can't do that. You need to- if you expect a guy to do that for you- you become clingy and needy and to him it becomes a job- not a relationship of love and sharing. It becomes a burden.

You won't be happy with a boyfriend until you're happy without one- sorry- it sucks, huh?

About not telling the parents- yeah they're a pain sometimes, but they're looking out for you- they really do love you. If you're doing something you can't tell them - you probably shouldn't do it- believe me- I did it and I wish I could take most of it back.
Meeting guys off the internet when no one knows where you are- definately not a good idea. If you really have to do it again- bring a friend and do it in a very public place.

Another thing- if you do want someone special- instead of just someone- people - like water seek their own level- people w/ high self esteem end up w/ people w/ high self esteem & vice versa. This guy is a loser- you need to be happy with yourself so eventually you can end up with a guy who really is wonderful.

Sorry to go on so long- I did the same thing type of things at 16 and 5 years later realized that it was all wrong & that those relationships for the most part were no good. Do you really want 5+ years of dating losers?