Confused! (long)

[JLE95]

The girl I am seeing now has had some very bad past relationships. She was emotionally abused and used for sex. She told me this before we even got involved to let me know that if she did take a while to get close sexually i'd understand. Also the fact that she wanted to wait to get married before having sex.

Well the first week we were together we fooled around a good bit. Then I began noticing she was more or less telling me "we will fool round on this day or that day, im tired now". So sat her down and told her that I dont want her to do anything she doesn't want to do and that her making schedules for us to fool around felt like that. She admitted that she was starting to feel pressure. I never ment to pressure her at all and didnt think I did and I told her that from now on that I would like her make any sexual advance that it was all in her control.

It has now been about two months and we've fooled around maybe 2 or 3 times. One night I told her that I was getting very close to her and that I needed to know if she felt a spark between us she said yes and that she does think about me sexually a lot. It's just that she doesn't feel sexual and lately she has been under a lot of stress. Which she has. Well a few weeks went on and I told her a love her and she said she loved me and that she has been wanting to tell me that for some time.

Anyway I need to end this rambling. More time has passed and we haven't fooled around again. She says she's tired most nights (rightly so b/c she has 14 hour days). The last night she said that she was very horney all day long but was very tired. When she got to the house again she said that she mentally wanted to fool around but was tired. Now here's what confuses me... She goes in the living room and watches TV for 30 min - 1 hour. Then we go to bed.

How is she too tired to fool around when she mentally wants to but yet not to tired to watch TV. Also other things that have been bothering me it seems that I'm always the one to show her affection and be close. I am a very affectionate person I love holding her and kissing her. I've asked her why she dont do this as often and she says that she likes for the guy to be in control. Sometimes I try to hold back on being as affectionate and she notices asks me to do it more.

Why does she always have an excuse to not get intimate? Is it because she's scared? Doesn't like me that way?

I know the few times we have fooled around she enjoyed it alot. Its just weird how we can go from so hot and heavy to a sudden hault. What scares me the most is my feelings that she doesnt want to be with me that way has, at times made me want to stop trying to be intament with her. In reality I know that she loves me and wants me that way. I mean we spend evey night together, talk of living together, marriage, kids, being together forever very often. I know insecurity is unattractive thats why i though i'd ramble this here instead of having this conversation with her.

I love her with all my heart and really do feel that she is that special one.

Sorry so long

[Kaisharga]

First, don't worry about the long post. I've done many that are longer; trust me, it's no crime. Especially since you actuall use correct grammar and spacing ;)

Anyway.

I'd say that her motives are unclear--she might not want to become intimate due to her previous abusive experiences; that kind of thing tends to last a VERY long time. If she hasn't, she needs to talk to a counselor about that. Very important. Bear with her all the way on that; be very supportive. It can only help.

Answer offshoot #2. She may just be tired, like she says. And don't worry about the TV thing; it's a very non-active activity; you don't have to think or move or anything, just be there. So it's no real work on her part. However, as for the actual problem at hand, see if you can propose to her some sort of thing with you 'fooling around' with her, but she doesn't have to do anything. Now I don't want you to make this sound exploitative, though. Make it a massage, a little tracing of your fingers on her skin, et cetera. Just something so that you can get to touch her, but she doesn't really have to do anything if she doesn't feel up to it. Chances are she'll respond, and ask for more, yada yada.

On a tangent, see if you can reduce her workload a little bit. I know that working two jobs doesn't exactly lend itself to outside assistance, but just try to make life easier on her in any way you can. Help her clean the place (clean the place for her, maybe)! Bathe a pet. Mow the lawn. Be helpful, take some of the work off her hands. It's a good way of showing that you care, and are willing to do something to help.

I know I had something else to mention, but I can't remember at the moment. Hope this all helps tho!

--Kaisharga

[JLE95]

Thanks for the reply. Actually the post was MUCH longer going into all the background details and such ehehe, but I deleted it. However, just writing all that stuff down gave me a recap of our time together and made me even more sure about how much I care about her.

So last night I made her dinner with wine, candle light, and soft music. This really supprised her because she really didnt know I could cook =). She was feeling really good yesterday and was 100% over her being sick. Work wasn't too stressful that day.

Lets just say things went well =) after dinner. I held her all night last night and I dont think i've ever felt closer to her. Even our good morning kiss seemed to be so full of passion.

JLE