Confusing girls

[bngnprg]

I'm really confused... I've been on and off dating this girl for about 2 months and every time we start to get really close, she breaks it off saying that she's scared to be committed. Yet she tells me she has really strong feelings for me and does not want to lose me. We both agree we can never be simply just friends because we have too strong feelings. She says she needs time to lose her fear of a relationship. My question is... what can I do do help her get over those fears and move this to the next level and keep it there?

[xiaomoon]

well you should first let her know that how great a guy you are and that she can totally have the trust in you- cos maybe she is scared of failing this relationship also.:eyes: Remember, you have to spend more time with her and show that you really care for her!:D Try to be by her side in this critical moment. Just be patient and give her more time to get over things=)

[DNA]

Most important thing is to always be there for her when she needs someone no matter wat is holding U up.

[katty]

xiaomoon, your avatar very cute. :)

[bngnprg]

Thanks for the advice so far:) Last night I found out another obstacle in our happiness..... She is way overcommitted to many activities that she has, and she tells me she has barely even enough time to shave her legs let alone have a boyfriend, and she's also stressed because apparently there are more guys who want her as more than a friend and she is losing friends because of that.... I really have no idea what to do about that... nothing I can say will lessen her time committments or the fact that she is being most chased by other guys

[Kaisharga]

I have to say, your devotion to her is clear. You asked the right question in your first post--i think that we all can say that your concern and love for her is genuine. Have you told her that you love her? More to the point, has she said so to you?

If YES:
remind her of the first time that you told her that you loved her. remind her of what good times you've had together, and how you'd like to continue doing that. "It just felt right when we _____" is a good way to get that across.

If NO:
Maybe you should consider it. When you two are spending a good amount of time together, possibly. Depends on how close you guys are.

In all cases:
Get knowledgeable, if not involved, in what she's doing. Find out what sparks her interest the most, and talk with her about it. Chances are she could easily talk for hours on end about what she's really fired up about, and other things will get brushed away easily. But mostly, realize that she does have other commitments, and don't resent her for that. (I don't think i need to tell you that, you seem to already have that down.) Also, if she's afraid of a relationship, bring up the idea of just getting into one. Things are often a lot (read: a *!LOT!*) more terrifying when you're looking in from the outside, then when you are looking around from the inside. Ask, what could be the difference anyway? She wouldn't have to give up her activities or school or anything, and it's not like "Boom! We're in a relationship, we have to have sex now" or anything like that. What is there to fear?

Actually, that would make a good question to her.

I've typed enough now, someone else say something :-p

--Kaisharga

[xiaomoon]

While, tell her that if she doesnt have any friends but she still has you!
To tell you frankly, her friends want to be friend with her just bcos they want to have a relationship with her and its really not worth it for her to stay in contact with them anymore.
I think you should tell her that she has been having so many activities and she is neglecting you.

[beltfed]

You should just take things slow with her. Be as concerned with everything she does. always comfort her through thick and thin.

[bngnprg]

Uggg, She is the hardest person in the entire world to understand.... I've been sticking with her through it all comforting her. Its so hard though. She's almost like a completely different person now. We're both so busy, and when I do get to see her, she's usually in a bad mood because its the end of a stressful school day. Although when I talk to her in the mornings on weekends, she's usually cheerful and happy.

Today marks the third time we've made plans to get together in the past 2 weeks that have fallen through (she was really sick today though, so its ok). But I'd been trying to get in contact with her all day to see how she was feeling. And when I finally did, she got mad at me saying "I don't need to be babied and treated like I'm sick." Jeez, excuse me for wanting to know how the girl I love is feeling when I know she was very sick. Isn't that what girls want? Don't girls want their guys to check on them when they don't feel well and help them if they need it? All I did was check on her and offer her help if she needed it.

Her and I had a talk about our relationship and where its going a few days ago, and she told me that she was sad because her family was making a big deal over her nephew's birthday, and had forgotten about hers a few weeks ago. she told me that she was wearing the shirt i gave her so that she could smile knowing that at least somebody remembered her. after that i basically I put her on the spot saying, "do you even think you and i have any chance at all anymore or am i wasting my time? do you think you'll ever get over your fears and depression and want a relationship again and when you do will it be with me?" She said she couldn't answer those questions right now, but did say, "All I can say is that I still talk to you... and there are reminders all around my room of how wonderful you are to me... right now I have no idea what's going on as far as the depression (it keeps getting worse) and the fears and stuff. I want my family to want me as much as you do... and there's nothing that's going to make me happy again until I am loved and wanted by them"

As far as the other guys go, she's assured me that she's not interested in them, and I told her that if she believes these guys are only being nice to her to try and get with her, then she's hanging out with the wrong guys. I also reassured her (as I have many times) that I have never ever, nor ever will, see her like that. sex and physicality is great, but if the love isn't there, its nothing.

I have absolutely no idea what to do... She's stressed out, feels that her family doesn't love her, and doesn't think being with me would make her life happy right now. Its like she dangles the bait in front of me, and then yanks it away when I get too close, but she always keeps it where I can see it. I wish I could just say screw it all and move on, but I just can't.

I've done everything I know... I've always been nice even when she's nasty to me. I talk to her all the time. we always try to make plans to get together (actually, even now, she usually is the one making the plans with me believe it or not) although as of late they seem to fall through a lot (compared to the summer when her and i would see each other average of 3 times a week and she always wanted to talk to me for hours and always wanted to be over here with me) now, her schedule and situation are hampering her from realizing that nothing as far as feelings go has really even changed since the summer... i love her, and i know she loves me... what do i do?:(

[Karma]

You sound like a nice guy. If she keeps giving you the run around and the old "I'm so busy." excuse, then she either doesn't want you, doesn't want to commit to just you, or doesn't appreciate the time and effort you are putting into making this work. Try this: Set up a relaxing getaway even if your schedules demand that is has to be set up weeks ahead of time. Perhaps a weekend in a cabin, or the beach, or dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by some romantic chick flick (remember to have coffee after dinner to stay awake during the movie.) Whatever you do, spend the time discussing things she likes. If she brings up her "hectic life" change the subject to how beautiful the sunset is, or what IS in this bouillabaisse. And don't stress her further with talk of where you two are headed. Just stress how relaxing and wonderful your moment together is. And when it's over, tell her how much it sucks that you two have to be torn apart once again by the reality of school, work, career, etc. ...and set up another getaway. And until you go out again, give her the space she needs. Don't be clingy and demanding. Life presents us with enough demands... we don't need friends, lovers, or anyone else piling on more.

ErikinTally2@aol

[Tabithia]

Just let her know and let her see that you are there for here and that you will always be there for her no matter what. She sounds like she needs some that will be there for her and listen to her and mabey once in a while here some advice. That you are there to help her get through any situation with what ever help you can offer her. Just dont over do it or you will push her away.
Hope it all works out for you.:)

[Kaisharga]

I could write one of my big, long-winded rants right now. But i'm not in the mood, so you're getting compressed, processed format. :P

Being supportive of all her stuff = good

--Kaisharga, who is starting to like this rant-compressing thing

[bngnprg]

Well, after over two months of straight up fighting with each other, we finally decided to quit.... now we both seem to have this understanding that we want to be better friends first... No question that I still have lingering romantic feelings, but being friends and not pressuring her is what she needs... so far its been working out great this way (i'd even say that now it may even be better than when we were actually going out), but I'm just worried about what will happen if and when a new guy comes along for her, since its looking right now that her and i just were not meant to be together in that way, even though i still want it to work, it seems hopeless... at least her and i will stay friends no matter what, but it could get very awkward... i don't know how she really feels about me, but the impression she gives off is that she thinks of me as nothing more than a good friend... and apparently all the other guys are still pursuing her, and she is not interested in them which makes her go back into her "i hate men" mode, which unfortunately i have to hear... i hate how she complains to me about all guys being jerks to her and her wanting someone to give love to and be loved in return but not knowing where to find that person... and i'm thinking, "uh, hello? i'm right here!"