I'm a little bitter

[SarahMini]

Don't you just love it when you're absolutely wrong about someone.. repeatedly?
I'm always caught up in this dilemma. Here's my story:
I thought I had found "the one" for me. I was sure that he was a combination of everything that I had ever prayed for. I surpassed the normal month and a half time period that it usually takes for me to realize that things just aren't going to work. I thought I had finally found someone that I could have a decent serious relationship with. But no- it just took twice as long to figure out that things were not going to work, and now my heart is twice as broken. We haven't broke up yet, but damn- I feel it coming. I know this feeling, and it's on full-force.
Does anyone else have this problem. It's a reoccuring one for me!

[voland]

Men can "pick-up" whether a woman is planning out hers and his future. My guess would be you are driving them away with your seriousness.

There are probably very subtle signals you are giving out, that make your potential mate feel like he's being appraised like a race horse (is he good stud material or not? will he be able to go the distance? etc.)

Lighten up!

[Hefty]

I think voland's hit the nail on the head with this...

We men do tend to be a lot more suspicious of long-term relationships and after three months perhaps you should be thinking more of what you're doing at the weekend rather than planning a life of marital bliss - if the weekend (and the one after, and the one after that...) goes well then before you know it you'll have the relationship you were looking for.

We (males) are timid creatures at heart so never lose sight of the old saying, "softly, softly catchee monkey" ;)

[SarahMini]

Thank you for the input guys- it's nice to hear a male's point-of-view every once in a while. I guess you could say I'm just a tad bit jumpy. Things are fine in my relationship; it's just that things were "perfect" for so long that once a problem arose- even a real small one- it knocked me out of whack. You could say I don't adapt well to change. BUT! About the whole marriage thing, and planning of the future- this boyfriend makes comments about it a lot actually; I wasn't the one to bring up such a subject. I don't do that anymore because I've learned in past relationships that it scares guys a bit. And for the record- the thingsI want out of a boyfriend is someone that will treat me good, someone that I love being around, someone that I can confide in and trust, and someone that my family doesn't hate! ;)
I will admit though, that us girls have a problem with falling in love with love. I think that's a big problem in our department.

[meg]

It may not be you and the vibes you are tossing out there.
It could be that your gut instincts are telling you there is something wrong and you can't pinpoint it. Don't allow someone to place the blame on you, if you aren't doing anything wrong. A mistake many people make in relationships is denial. They know things aren't going smoothly, they're not sure why, but they really don't want to break up. Talk to your boyfriend. If you can't communicate with him then you have nothing anyway. Meg

When do men and women become individuals and not lumped into a catagory based on gender? sheesh!

You guys act as if men, don't have the need to have closeness, or that men aren't the ones ready for marriage. That is BS. Meg

[Hefty]

I'll have to take issue with you on a point there Meg - I am not suggesting that Sarah is neccessarily doing anything WRONG with her approach, just that her approach may not suit the majority of men. She also seems aware of this, hence the line, "I don't do that anymore because I've learned in past relationships that it scares guys a bit." - this is true, it DOES scare most guys (I'll concede that not all men feel this way but based on the countless males I have encountered in my life I can only speak as I find).

It would be lovely to live in a world where everyone was an individual but we don't. Lumping men together in a generalistic way may seem a bit unfair but as neither you nor I actually know Sarah's boyfriend it's logical to make an assumption (given our original information) that he falls within the majority rather than the minority - just playing the odds here... :)

Hope this clears my standpoint up a little and Sarah, I'm glad you sound a little happier than when you first posted this thread - if this guy doesn't work out then try another. Sooner or later you'll find the one that's right for you.

Best of luck mate!

[meg]

That comment wasn't directed towards you, Hefty. I was just tossing some thoughts out there. It just seems on these boards, that men and women are not represented as individuals. I'm a strong believe in everyone is different and everyones needs are different. Meg

[meg]

:eek: I've lost an r, somewhere! ( laughs )

[Hefty]

You are completely right, everybody is an individual but the problem with these boards (and others in a similar vein) is that the individuality is lost somewhere in the translation....

Most of these questions are from a person about whom we know very little and are asking us to comment upon another person about whom we know even less.

There's no substitute for those directly involved talking to each other to sort out problems. Whilst it's nice to let off steam for the amusement and discussion of strangers (that's us then ;) ) it's unlikely that we'll ever be in a position to offer really useful advice that is tailored to an individual's needs.

Having said that (and not wishing to leave on a downcast note), I'll raise a glass anytime to sweeping generalisations! May all men be b******* and all women b****** for a long time to come - it makes discussions all the more interesting! :D

[Gan]

Never generalise - I am one man who would love to get married :)

-Gan