Friends With privleges? Future Relationship?

[sashay78]

Okay , the nitty gritty,

I'm friends with a guy who wants to have a friends with privleges relationship but is giving me the b.s. OF future relationship. That sounds like a total lie. Reasons behind it is : he's working all the time and doesn't have time for a relationship and "I'm not his type"

This relationship would not involve sex, it would just be hanging out and hooking up on occasion.

Personally, I don't want to accept this relationship, Because first of all I know that it is very UNLIKELY that a guy would seriously date someone after that kind of relationship and second it would be demeaning.

My question is am I right to think this way? oh and if there is the possibility if we remain friends (with no privledges) that he would think of a serious relationship in the future?

[Gan]

I wouldn't go for any "friends with privleges" thing sashay78. It's just not right. You either have a proper relationship, or you don't, there's no in-between. Promising a relationship later on is bullocks, I can't see anything more happening. You already sound like you don't like the idea so you should go with that and keep it just friends.

-Gan

[ticklesuzy]

I'm not really clear on something?

"This relationship would not involve sex, it would just be hanging out and hooking up on occasion."

Hooking up, does that mean sex, I guess I just take it to mean that when I see it...?!?

Anyway, I have to agree with Gan. It seems like he wants something w/o the strings of commitment, do you?


If he does actually see you as a future partner, I think he would have more respect for you in the long run if you don't agree to this...whatever it is. Maybe he would do whatever it takes to "get ready" if he thought that he might lose his chance. I guess I'm not sure on how things would change if there is no sex now and no sex in the New Deal?

If this is all part of a plan for him to have a reliable lay, then you'll lose a "friend" and prob. get over it pretty quickly.

Do you want something more from him?? It sounds like maybe you do?

[Thenoisefrom551]

I don't know if this helps, but I had a similar relationship with a woman... she and I were good friends and she wanted to keep the friendship -- but she also wanted a little more every now and then...

… and since I was very attracted to her.. I agreed.

We live in the same building and several times a week I'd get a late night call or knock on my door...

It turned out pretty badly for me -- I totally fell for her, but to her, I was still just a friend and a reliable 2am booty call... I know that many guys dream of no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful women, but it made me feel like a dog…

I am told that women are able to separate sex and emotions but I can’t.

I had to put a stop to it, because it was messing with my head and hurting my other relationships. I found myself taking my dates home early or not even trying because I knew the 2am knock was coming.

I did not talk to her for a long time after that and it took us many months to get back to being friends....

I still get the 2am knock every now and then... but I know better now and usually don't answer.

Hope this helps!

TNF551

:cool:

[sashay78]

Thank you for replying to my question. I agree with all of you. In reference to the question of me wanting more, I agree. Therefore it would probably be likely that I would fall into that pattern of "falling for the guy, and feeling like a dog."

In reference to the sex question, hooking up would be just making out. Sex isn't really the issue. Well it is and it isn't. Long story. I'm a big believer that sex and love should go hand and hand, and he is aware of this.

An update: I told him for us to be friends. He was very mature (note the sarcasm) in taking the rejection, he claimed he was joking and that he was also interested in someone else. But that it wasn't going to work out w/ that other person, so he'll probably still be single. So here I was, I went out of my way to tell him in person etc, and he was pulling the "I was joking" line. So I wished him luck with his other person and then left.

He's been calling ever since and left a couple voicemails claiming he was "truly a nice guy, but that his cockiness gets in the way sometimes, but he really wants to be friends and I shouldn't be a stranger and give him a call."

To me it seems like a ploy.. A we're friends until I can convince her otherwise. :( I could be wrong though. I will be his friend because he helped me out in one of the worst situations of my life but I would have to seriously consider it before thinking about a serious relationship with him in the future.

SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH OF THE POST...

[Ellynn]

God, are you sure this guy isnt my ex? LOL. Sounds like it. We went out last yr for about 6 months. Now 9 months later he is talking to me again saying he has no time for a relationship but would like benefits. Its very tempting cuz I did care about him alot and still do....but I just cant bring myself to separate my emotions with sex. Since I dont want to get hurt....i told him I cant do it. He says the offer is always open.....and ive noticed that when guys say something and then add in jk, they arent..lol. They just want to cover up looking stupid. Sigh....i dont understand it.

[and1more]

if you are not having sex. then what kind of benifits are you guys getting? Basically he wants you as a close friend, as I take and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you like him in a diff way and it is hard to be just good friends then tell him no

[angel143ml]

:angel6:

TO ME, THE ONLY REASON HE TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE WAS TO COVER UP HIS STUPIDITY FOR ASKING YOU FOR A FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS RELATIONSHIP. SECOND, THE ONLY REASON I THINK THAT HE SAID THAT IT WASN'T GONNA WORK OUT WITH HIM AND THIS OTHER GIRL WAS TO MAKE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, AND MAYBE HE WAS HOPING THAT YOU'D CAVE IN. IF HE WAS TRUELLY A NICE GUY,AND AS GOOD A FRIEND AS HE SAYS, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED ASKING YOU FOR THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, AND COME ON, YOU KNOW SOONER OR LATER, HE WOULD HAVE TRIED TO GET YOU TO HAVE SEX. I BET THE MINUTE SOMEONE HE CONSIDERS MORE WORTHWHILE COMES ALONG, SHE'LL BE THE ONE HE ASKS TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND AND I BET HE WON'T BE ANYWHERE AROUND. STICK TO YOUR CONVICTIONS, THERE ARE A LOT OF NICE GUYS AROUND WHO'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT!
.
:angel6:

[sashay78]

Hi Hi..

Yes, I agree, those were all lines, and attempts to change my mind and make him seem pitiful and cave in. I continued with that and am not going to change my mind on the subject. I would like to keep the friendship, but...it doesn't seem like its possible because he keeps trying to convince me otherwise and I'm not really in the mood to be used.

So to the next last message poster, How have u been dealing with the ex? Do u find it difficult to turn down because they can be so sweet and awfully good at buttering u up?

Hugs
THANKS AGAIN
SASSSHHHAYYY

[Ellynn]

I know for me it is terribly tempting. At times it will seem like hes being how he was when we first met......sweet, caring, kind, respectful. Only thing is that my friends keep reminding me that all he wants is sex. Im trying to think of the negative things that have happened to make me say forget it! Its just hard when I actually do talk to him. I just try to keep my distance without being a b*tch about it. If i were to be with him.....to me it would be more then just sex......and when he told me we could be friends with benefits until something else came along better for the both of us.....that was a reality check. I feel that when your that deep into a relationship and having sex with another person.both should not be looking for "better" opportunities relationship wise. Not everyone may agree with me.....but that is how i feel. Unless it is mutual and both people actually realize what they are doing and that nothing will come out of it.

[sashay78]

That is exactly how I feel. It is tempting and when talking to him its like ahhhh it could be worse.. but really it couldn't ...I still know that he's just after the "physical" side of it, even if he says he's cool with just being friends, and that if we did ever get involved (like its still a possibility and up to him?) that he would never hurt me and he NEVER mentions the whole privledges thang anymore. I'm doubtful though.. I just think he's trying a new angle. As for your decision to not keep in contact.. I think its the only way to not be tempted but then again I'm reminded at all times..I think I need to just close the door entirely.

oh and you're not the only one that thinks that way..I to feel emotions always get involved..even if both people know what they are getting into.. someone always gets hurts eventually.