Whats up with him?

[Ellynn]

Hi, Im new to this board. I like this guy named Jay. I work with him and have liked him for a long time.....about a year. We are friends at work and talk occasionally when we both happen to work together. Talking with him makes me very attracted to him. Yes, he has good looks.....but some of the stuff that has happened in the past leads me to think he may feel the same or may have at one time. The reason I say may have at one time....is becuz about two weeks ago......my friend told me that he said he wasnt looking for a relationship.

Let me start from the beginning. Ok, Last summer I asked him to call me sometime and wrote my number down on a peice of paper. About two weeks later he talked to me at work saying he was gonna call but didnt get around to it, but that he would. Then I didnt see him for awhile and kinda blew it off like it was no biggie. In the meantime I went out with this other guy(who is now my ex). During that time Jay and I talked alot and even once at work he touched my hand...... it wasnt accidental......he literally put his hand on mine.....out of nowhere. At that time though i had a bf.....and so I politely brushed it off like it was nothing. He did other stuff in the past, like mirroring me when we were talking. Just staring into my eyes when he was speaking.....longer then usual. I would be talking to someone and happen to turn around and saw him staring at me. Then he would look away after a few seconds. Just little things like this made me think he was interested......and im a shy person.......so it kinda made it harder on me to talk to him at times.

Ok, more to the present. I broke up with my ex and started seeing this guy at work more often. Friends of mine would invite him out but he wouldnt go. Hes kinda shy himself so hes not into all that partying etc. But we always talked at work and he would walk me out to my car and open the door at work for me.

About 3 weeks ago....this girl at our work had a party and invited everyone. I brought my friend.....who is a guy......just a friend though.....along. He is gay and all my friends from work are aware. Then Jay shows up at this party. I was shocked. We all got a little drunk and played this game where we ask a question that is sexual and people have to answer or they have to drink. Well......I ended up revealing some personal details and so did he. Then towards the end of the nite...he introduced himself to my friend and shook his hand. I thought that was so nice of him..... I talk about my friend at work all the time. I also thought it was cool becuz alot of straight guys feel intimidated by gay guys. Anyways......we decided to leave......and he suddenly left when we did. We asked him why he was leaving and he said the party suddenly got boring. Then i said goodnite to him. Then the following week there was another work party....but Jay told other people he probably wouldnt go cuz he was flying out at 5am the next day and he had to go to a wedding that nite. So.....i went to the party and brought my friend along again......and we all got a little drunk. I got very drunk........and before long didnt realize that Jay had walked in the door. He was talking to my friend and they were looking over at me smiling. I was very out of it so didnt think much of it. The whole nite jay was always around me. But never really talked much.....but he would stare alot. Well i found out why. My friend told me once i had sobered up that he asked Jay if he liked me. He told my friend he thought i was pretty, and very cool.....but he wasnt looking for a relationship cuz he was so busy with school. He also said he knew I like him. Once I heard that I was sad.....but Oh well...at least i know. right? Ok......here is my question....

Do you think he was being honest with my friend? Why would he do all that stuff otherwise? Do you think hes just trying to be friendly with me and thats it? Or do you think hes shy possibly? Do you think he might be gay? My friend says he doesnt get that feelign about him though.... Do you think he is interested or should I just continue moving on? I havent seen him since two weeks ago at that party.....but now he is back....from his trip. I dont know what to do or how to react. Please people write me back and let me know what you think?

[Karbonopsinos]

Shucks! Why does everyone suddenly get it into their head that anyone who prioritizes must really be gay deep down there? Look at it this way: he's very busy, he might not have time for a relationship right now. I'm sure that I won't when I'm in medical school. Then again, maybe that's just an excuse and he's really shy. Or not interested. I don't think for a minute that he is gay.

Incidentally, if he were gay, he would probably be giving off signals to your friend and not to you.

[Ellynn]

Sorry...the thought just crossed my mind becuz another coworker who is a friend of mine asked me if I thought he was. I dont.....but its strange he talked to my friend and not to any of the other guys or girl friends that were there. Anyways..thanks.

[Karbonopsinos]

If the co-worker is male, he probably knows you like him (heck, he knows that) and wants you for himself, or if it's a woman, then she probably wants him for herself.

Speculations as to whether a person is gay or asexual or anything of that sort are often very wrong, and you really can't tell by whether they are in a relationship or not.

A historic example: Johannes Brahms, the great German composer, had a twisted relationship with women ever since he had to make a living as a small boy by playing the violin the in the brothels of Hamburg. He had a lover (that would be Clara Schumann) but for this strange view of women, he never married.

There are many other cases of this sort, so dating really tells you nothing.

And btw, there are plenty of gays and lesbians who are in heterosexual relationships (more often dating than married with children, of course, but that too exists) to cover up their true orientation from society.

You really can't know.

[Ellynn]

Oh trust me, I know there are many married men who are secretly gay. I should write a book. It happens to be part of my life experience....not me persoanlly....but people in my life.. Anyways....I think your right. He is just prioritizing himself. Nothing wrong with that. Just wanted to know any thoughts on it.

[Nice Girl]

You said this guy is shy, right? And both times at the party you were drunk, right? And both parties were thrown by people from your job, right?

Why don't you guys change the scenery to one where you don't have to be drunk and away from your co-workers? Go to the movies or something. Find a place of common interest and get to know what this guy is all about instead of speculating.

Good Luck!

[lasher1225]

Well, i think that he's probably not gay, although it crossed my mind with him talking to your gay friend i thought it might go in that direction. But my thoughts is that he might not want anything right now. Either because he doesn't like you in that way (just as a friend and someone cool to be with), or because he has issues he needs to work out. I have a friend Rob who doesn't date at all, and he only seems to like girls who are not interested in him. If they ever are, he backs away. Maybe he's just plain scared of relationships in general. No matter what, my advice is to stay away from the idea of getting with him. You can flirt or whatever, just don't get attached or your emotions involved. He knows you like him, its his turn to make a move.