What the Heck Happened?

[Teebird]

I was surprised when a rather attractive girl asked me out on a date. Being a bit of a shy-type I thought it was great. We had a great time and things were going along great for about 3 weeks.

Suddenly, she tells me that her ex-boyfriend (whom she'd mentioned had been verbally and mentally abusive and had left 6 months previous) was returning to town and wanted to get back together with her.

She assured me that it was going to be a bit of a hassle for her having to deal with him now that she was going out with me but she'd handle it.

Next thing you know, I don't hear from her for 2 days and then when I see her again she says that she wants to "give things a try" with ol' Jim again.

I was totally crushed. As far as I knew things were going great and she used to write me little notes and letters telling me how much she appreciated me and whatnot. Then the cold shoulder. I just don't understand.

She had told me that she wanted to be my best friend, and that I made her feel so special.

Why would she go back out with a guy who was abusive? It's really got me baffled.

[meg]

Sounds like she took the easy road, Teebird.
To often women/men will go back to familiar ground, out of fear of the unknown. Meg

[Gan]

Yeah, people who do that are really stupid. They brake up for a reason in the first place - why the hell go back?!? It's not going to be any different, even if your ex-partner has said they've changed. I can see it now - she'll break up with him again for sure and I bet she'll want you back. If she really cared about you Teebird then she'd care about your feelings. You don't need that kind of crap.

-Gan

[voland]

Women, being the emotional creatures that they are, often mistake the thrill/fear/anxiety of an abusive relationship for the excitement of being in love. Also, guys who are macho and abusive are often mistaken as having confidence and being manly; whereas a quiet, shy guy is mistaken as being a wimp, and/or effeminate.

In a nutshell; she probably sees you as boring and lacking in self-esteem and the other guy as exciting and dangerous (a real man). It will probably take a few more beatings before she comes to her senses.

[Teebird]

Thanks for the comments. Oddly enough, this gal told me that she believes she made a mistake in judgement and that she is "not a happy girl" as she put it. At first I thought this was my "big chance" but after thinking about it I decided that I can do better. I don't need someone who's fickle. To be honest, I'm secretly glad she's unhappy now. I won't be going out with her again but I'm still friendly. Once bitten, twice shy. :p

[insecurity]

Good for you teebird. It's good to see that you are looking at all of this positively. What is even better is that she showed you how messed up she is before you took it any further.

In all honesty, they sound like they were made for one another. ;)

[Teebird]

I think you're right, they ARE made for one another. Power to 'em.

[CarinaZorra7426]

she is being abused...that's are there really is to it. Call her up and offer her some help, tell her that if she needs someone to talk with you'll be there.

She didn't do any of this to hurt you, she did it because she was hurt. He probably told her that she is ugly, fat, stupid and that no one would ever want her and that she was lucky that he was kind enough to look past all her faults and etc... And after enough time of being beaten down, you learn to keep your head low and not get up again. Sometimes it hurts too much to try to fight. (HINT: watch "What's Love Got to Do With It" you may understand better)

[Karbonopsinos]

You know, I usually agree with you, almost 100% on most issues, but here I have to disagree Carrina.

It seems that in our society, the woman is the eternal victim. If she kills her husband its because he abused her. If she kills her children, she's suffering from a chemical imbalance, a mental disturbance

If a husband kills his wife, on the other hand, its BECAUSE he was the abuser, and if he kills his children, well he deserves to be fried at 10,000 V.

This is diverging, but I need to point out that women, like men, are responsible for their actions. If some woman were "abusing" me by insulting me, I'd kick her out the front door (figuratively, of course) and a wave a last bye-bye before slamming. If a woman is abused and her life is not threatened by it (i.e. he will kill her if she leaves him) she is free to leave.

No one is forcing her to stay. In this situation, in contrast, she left a decent person and RETURNED to the alleged abuser. Now, she's either schizophrenic or plain stupid. Neither deserve my pity.

Teebird: well said...

[Teebird]

Thanks Carinna,

I appreciate your input. You may well be right. I have known women in that sort of situation, but it is unclear to me if Gail is. I can't help but wonder if I may have said something stupid at some point that would make her suddenly drop me. She doesn't talk to me at all now unless I say hello to her first. And then she's all smiles which I think are phony. But if I don't say hello to her first she will walk right by and ignore me. It's a really weird situation. I've just put it all behind me now and I'm moving on. I'm not going to bang my head up against the wall trying to figure out what the hell happened. It still smarts but I'm just letting go.

I am surprised that it has affected me this long. I mean, we only went out for a month but became very close in that short time. It was quite a blow for me to lose her. It came as quite a shock. That was in June that it all fell apart tho. Here it is nearly September and I'm still thinking about her and wondering what I might have done differently.

Sometimes I feel like writing her a nasty note and calling her names, and then other times I just want to embrace her and tell her that I still have very strong feelings for her. :bawling:

For now, I'm just going to leave it. I've given her several oportunities to contact me and she refuses so whatever I did or whatever her feelings are now I don't get to know about them. It's really weird.

[CarinaZorra7426]

Karb - Men can be victims of it as well - not just women. And you can't really say what you'd do if you haven't been in that situation. One of my best friends is in that situation now. She is beautiful, smart, funny, charming etc - but now all she knows is that she has crappy haircut and an "ok" job and doesn't do jack around the house (this woman vacuums when you can't see the vacuum cleaner tracks anymore - cleanest house of anyone I know). This is the $hit that her a$$hole of a husband has brainwashed her into thinking. I have watched everything go downhill for her for the past 7 yrs. It's beyond ridiculous. Here was a vivacious and energetic woman and in her place is a woman too scared and tired to fight back. Supposedly he is leaving her, so maybe after a bit of time and therapy, she'll get back to her old self, who knows?

The main reason that women get more media attention than men do regarding domestic violence is that it happens more often TO women than to men. (Plus men feel emasculated if they tell anyone that a WOMAN is beating them up and treating them like crap - guys- would you ever tell anyone that a woman beat you up????)

[Karbonopsinos]

Why doesn't she leave the relationship? If she doesn't want to, she's partly responsible for the abuse.

My point was completely different. You saw how the Yeats lady killed five (or was it six) of her kids and that was considered to be some mental illness, yet when that Ukrainian immigrant guy in California killed his wife, children, and himself (one could argue that that was much more a crime of passion than calmly and cooly drowning your children in a bathtub, laying each child side by side on the bed before proceeding to the next victim) was villified as a three-horned monster deserving (if he were still alive) a gruesome death.

Double standards, again. Since women are the "softer", more beautiful, gentler, more emotional of the genders we immediately assume they are the victim in every relationship and can never be guilty. Nor can they commit crimes.

Women kill children more than men do. Women kill babies more than men do. Women kill elderly people more than men do. Women physically abuse their children as often as men do. These are facts. Society just doesn't want to face them.

Women are humans just like men. They can do wrong and should be held equally responsible. A penis doesn't mean you were born more evil than if you had a vagina.

[girl]

Teebird: good for you. it sounds like she has some issues w/ this guy and more likely with herself that she needs to work out. the fact that she said she's "not a happy girl" is reason enough to give each other space. she needs to learn to be happy w/ herself before she can be happy with you or anyone else. snubbing you is just childish, and when she solves her self esteem problems (at least thats what it sounds like to me, you know her better) then maybe you can be friends.

As for Karb's last comment...can i quote you on that? If women took responsibility and innnitiative more often it could go a long way toward dispelling the outdated image of the female gender as emotionally unstable, meek, ect.

[Teebird]

Ok, so you've all heard my sad but true story about the gal who left me for her ex-boyfriend/commonlaw husband. Well guess what? She's come back. She is now very sorry for the pain she has caused me and feels really stupid about the decision she made 5 months ago. Her "live-in" is now showing signs of mild abuse. Now she wants me back and I'm really not sure what to do. I mean, I really liked this gal and it hurt so bad when she gave me the news that her ex was back in town. It has taken me this long to get over her...and now she's come back. My heart tells me to go for it, but my brain says I'm a fool if I do.

I suppose what I'm most concerned about is that I don't want some guy hunting me for stealing his woman. That could be bad. Also, I know that she has lied to him to see me a few times in the last week or so. I can't help but wonder if she'd do that to me down the road.

I still think she's a wonderful gal and even tho she's gained a bit of weight since I went out with her, I still think she's one of most beautiful women I know.

I'm really torn....any advice? Should I run for cover? Or dive in?

[Gan]

Personally I would try my best to avoid her...

HOWEVER, judging by your situation TeeBird, I think she may deserve another chance. Only on the condition of:

-She doesn't speak to or see her ex-boyfriend again.
-She plans to stay faithful to you in every way
-She doesn't pull the same stunt a second time.

These are the only grounds I can see anything working here. Like I said, I personally would run for cover, but we have to remember people do make mistakes, and as long as they learn from them, then they deserve a second chance, especially in your case when you obviously really care about the person.

On a side note, do people deserve a third chance? Hell no.

-Gan